poobert_luv

Seafood Buffet of Dubious Origins Part 3

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:23:44 GMT

“Did she eat it! Did she eat it!” Wesker yelled as he grabbed Ada by the shoulders.

After pushing him off she responded, “get a hold of yourself! And no I don’t think so…she already looks sick…”

“Oh no! I’ve killed her! I’ve helped kill Claire’s brother’s best friend!” Sherry cried bringing her hands up to her eyes.

Wesker laughed, “Ha! But you’ve made me so proud! And your father would be proud too. Oh, sure there’s your degree in molecular biology that you got at fourteen, but this…this is the stuff he really took joy in.”

Sherry stopped crying a little at the mention of her deceased father. “Really, Uncle Albie!”

He shivered. Where she had gotten the idea to call him that was still a mystery. “Uh, sure. Anyway, Ada get back out there and make sure Jill is gorging herself on sweet, sweet bacteria ridden shrimp.

Ada threw her hands in the air as she spun back out the kitchen.

“Ah, yes, all according to plan…” Wesker smirked.

“But…didn’t you pump Jill full of antibodies…I mean her body ate Oroboros…what makes you think it won’t eat the bacteria on some old shrimp?” Sherry asked inquisitively. She wasn’t trying to show him up, she was just genuinely curious.

“Ah, well Sherry! You disappoint me. Of course I thought of that. This is super special ancient bacteria is sure to knock her out flat.”

“Oh, so we really are just making her sick? Not killing her?”

“God no! I can’t kill one of my greatest enemies by feeding them bad shrimp. That’s just—pathetic.”

“But, but…” Sherry stumbled.

“But, but,” Wesker mocked her. Really now, he had been so hopeful in Sherry’s progress as a future world class villain. She was Birkin’s kid after all. But she was just, just so nice! It was infuriating.

She looked so hurt at his sudden outburst.

He couldn’t help but feel a little bad, “Oh, alright what is it?”

“That Mr. Burton man! He doesn’t have Jill’s antibodies…He’ll…he’ll die! And he was so nice to me….”

“HA! My God you’re right!” Oh, it was just turning out to be a glorious day.

They both turned toward the dining room after hearing the sound of many load crashes and a few blood curdling screams.

“What-what was that?” Sherry stammered looking uneasy.

That’s it, he was done missing all the good stuff and he’d been stuck in this kitchen slaving away all day preparing poisonous shrimp! “Come along Sherry! Time for you to see real evil genius at work!” he yelled grabbing the scared girl and shoving her through the kitchen doors.

“Jill!” Barry was yelling, “Get down from there! And you took all the shrimp! I’m hungry too ya’ know!”

What Wesker saw next was one of the greatest sights of his life. Jill Valentine was perched right on top of the buffet table shoving pound after pound of shrimp into her mouth. She had ripped out the metal container and was dumping it all strait into her mouth all the while elbowing Barry repeatedly in the head if he got to close to her precious, precious shrimp horde.

“Well, Sherry, looks like your conscience is safe. It doesn’t look like she’s going to share with Mr. Burton.”

Barry continued to reason with Jill, “Oh, come on Jill you should share some of that! You can’t eat all of it can you?!”

She growled at him and brining up her leg she sent Barry flying across the room before continuing to enjoy her shrimp horde.

Ada rushed over to him and felt his pulse. “He’s fine…knocked out cold.” Sherry sighed a sigh of relief.

“Oh, darn…” Wesker lamented as he strolled over to Jill. “Well, well, what do we have here? The perfect Jill Valentine done in by a mound of tasty shrimp.” Wesker grabbed one of the loose shrimps, but the second he did Jill had him in a head grab.

“Help! Help!’ he yelled for awhile as Ada contemplated letting Jill break his neck. But then worms would probably just shoot out and it would be a mess. Ada finally cart wheeled into them sending them both flying into the nearby wall. Jill was up in a flash and back to her shrimp eating activities.

Wesker coughed grabbing his neck looking rather embarrassed. Good thing only Ada and Sherry were there and not like Chris or someone, he’d never be able to show his face again! Good God, to be killed between Jill’s thighs of steel.

Jill still wasn’t paying much attention, all of her focus on shoving more of the yummy crustacean into her gullet until the all the trays were completely empty. She fell to the floor looking completely exhausted.

“Finally had your fill?”

Jill looked up, coming to her senses. “Wesker! Wha-what are you doing here!”

“Uh-uh,” he shock his finger, “Alberto Weskardo, and welcome to my seafood shack.” Well it had sounded better in his head.

“Seafood, oh God…Barry, where’s Barry?!” she asked looking around the room.

“I’m surprised you don’t remember, you only almost killed him when he tried to take some of your precious shrimp!”

“Oh, God…I don’t remember that…well maybe I do…just a little. “ Poor Barry, he didn’t deserve that. “Wesker! What the hell are you doing here, I thought you were dead! I-I saw Chris and Sheva shoot two rocket launchers at you into an active volcano!”

Wesker smirked, “Well, I got better…”

“Got better?! But, you were full of worms!”

“Shoved them back in.”

Everyone in the room made a look of disgust. Well, except Wesker, at some point you just have to accept that your body is full of worms.

“Anyway, you think a few little things like rocket launchers and volcanoes can stop my plans, please.”

Jill tried to stand up but she had never felt so full in her entire time. Wobbling slightly she gripped the side of the buffet table. Thinking for a second about Wesker’s last statement she commented, “Plans…what the hell are you up to in a seafood shack?”

“Uh…only my master plan, to get you sick and force you to call in for a couple days.” God she was dumb, didn’t she understand?

“What? But I don’t feel sick, just really full,” she said gripping her side, she felt like she was busting at the seams.

He crossed his arms, “Hmm, just you wait Jill.That fifty pounds of shrimp you just ate was full of a flesh eating bacteria. Well, it would kill a normal person but you…well I don’t want to spoil it. And then you will have no choice but to call in sick and then I will be Chris’s new partner! And show you all just what a great partner I can be!”

Ada face-palmed and walked out of the room dragging Sherry with her.

“And where do you think your going?” he barked after her. “Oh, well no matter.” Turning back to Jill he asked, “Now, who should I be calling to pick you and Barry up? I think we’re done here.”

“What? I’m not going anywhere you bastard.” She reached down to her boot to pull out her concealed beretta, but as she leaned over she felt a very unpleasant cramp in her intestines. “Oh, God,” she groaned falling back to the floor. “Where-where’s the bathroom?”

“See, I told you! Down the hall…” he pointed wryly.

She started to hobble toward it saying, “I I-ll just a second and then when I come back we’re going to finish this!”

“HA! Oh, if you say so…” he called after her as he began to rummage around her coat that was still hung behind her previous dinning chair. “Hmmm, let’s see…who won’t be doing anything on a Friday night and be able to pick these two fools up.” He clicked down her contact list stopping at Rebecca Chambers. “Ah, good old Brave, Lil’ Becky.” He clicked the call button and received an answer immediately.

“Jill! What’s up?”

“Hello, Miss Chambers. You are required to pick up Jill Valentine and Barry Burton from 1126 W. Mainhigh Street. Now.”

“Captain Wesker!? She shrieked, “is that you!”

What the- how the hell did she remember his voice. They hadn’t spoken in like fifteen years and he had even had a different voice actor then. “Uh, no this is Alberto Weskardo and I own the establishment that your compatriots chose to drink at. They are now passed out. Please pick them up. That is all.”

“But-hey wait!” he heard her yell before he ended the call.

“Ah, all according to plan...”

“God, your plans have gotten really bad lately you know?” Ada said handing him his coat. “Those worms must really be interfering with your brain.”

“No one asked you! And you’ll all see! Soon.” Wait, this all had just been a ploy to take a car ride to Mexico with Chris Redfield. Good, God, maybe his head really was full of worms!

“Alright, but I swear to God if you want me to open and run a disco next week or fly Chris Redfield into the sun, I am done working for you.”

“Well, now that’s just silly,” Wesker scoffed.

Seafood Buffet of Dubious Origins Part 2

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:22:09 GMT

“Just admit it already! This plan is never going to work. She’s not going to come.”

“Oh, no. She’ll be here,” Wesker said as he paced back and forth across the dirty restaurant kitchen. Well it wasn’t much of a kitchen really. There was a sink, but that was about all. Up until yesterday it had been a Planned Parenthood, but he had just dressed up as a building inspector and told them he’d have to condemn it. “God, people are dumb and gullible,” he thought. But not him, that’s for sure. And that’s precisely why he knew his plan was going to work.

“Oh, and what makes you so sure?” Ada Wong asked, looking up from her nails that she had been filing for like two hours. He had demanded that she file his nails too, but she had refused saying he was being way too jumpy. He’d show her jumpy.

“Well, I will have you know that Jill Valentine is notoriously gullible,” he informed her finally stopping in his pacing.

Ada made a face, “What? No she’s not.”

“She is too! Why, she gave Barry back his gun even after he tried to kill her like three times.”

“Oh, well I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t in that one,” Ada said in dull monotone.

“Shame, it was the best,” Wesker smiled knowing truer words had never been spoken.

Wesker thought for a second. “Okay, well maybe she’s not that gullible anymore, but there’s something else you don’t know about her: she loves seafood.”

Ada rolled her eyes, “Oh, fiddle-dee-dee, and how did you arrive at that conclusion?” She thought she’d humor him for a bit.

“Well, Ada Wong, I will tell you,” he cleared his throat before beginning his tale of stunning revelation. “It started as thus: I had been trying to think of the final stage of my master plan to teach Chris Redfield the lesson of his life-“

“Yes, yes I know that part; it’s all you ever talk about.”

Fairly annoyed at being interrupted he began again, “Anyway, as I was going to say, I needed to think of something to lure Jill Valentine out of the BSAA office so that she won’t be there to interfere with the rest of my plan. So one day I was driving my Honda Civic around town, as I often do when I need to think of a master plan, and lo! There it was, staring me right in the face!” He stopped for a second to stare at Ada.

She raised her eyebrows.

“Well, aren’t you going to guess what I saw?” he huffed.

“Oh, I don’t know…you saw Jill Valentine scarfing down a plate of shrimp through a restaurant window?”

Wesker’s jaw dropped. “What! How did you-“

“Because I was there when you had her shoved in a tube and where busy pumping her full of viruses, and you said, ‘lol I’m gunna mess with her and make the virus crave nothing but sweet crustacean nutrients,’ or something to that effect.”

“That does not sound like something I would say!” Well okay, maybe it was, and damn Ada had been there that day.

“Anyway…regardless…my plan is going to work.”

“Okay, okay…” she trailed off starting to file her nails some more.

“What do you care? You’re getting paid just to sit here and wait for Jill to come through that door.”

“Well, I suppose you’re right…”

“Finally have enough to pay of those numerous operations, eey Ada, or should I say….Adam Wong.” Oh, how he delighted in bringing that one up.

Ada cracked her nail file in half and gritted her teeth, “that, is none of your business.”

“Oh hohohoho,” Wesker laughed.

Trying to think of something to change the subject Ada asked, “Where-where did Sherry run of to anyway?”

Wesker shrugged, “I don’t know, I gave her like two-hundred pounds of shrimp to fry…wait…did you hear…”

Then they both heard someone say through the wall, “Whoooooa, this restaurant looks dangerous!”

Wesker jumped up with a start before glaring at Ada, “HA! See, I told you she’d come!”

“Uh, her voice is a little deep, don’t you think?”

“What? Deeper than yours?” Oh hohoho and he quickly added, “No, no she brought that fool Barry Burton with her. Oh, this will be grand! Grander than I originally had intended! Now, get out there and play your part!” he said shoving her out of the kitchen door.

She shoved her head back in the door saying, “Alright, but don’t you dare come out there with your black press on mustache. It might work on Chris, but I don’t think it will work on her.”

“Oh, alright! Just get out there!” Damn, and he looked so good in it too.

**************************************************************************

“Um, hello?” Jill asked as she looked around for someone to seat them when a pretty Asian lady came running out of the kitchen to greet them.

“Oh, um sorry, I was busy, uh, cooking shrimp. Yes, because this is a seafood restaurant.”

“Uh-huh…”Strange, because looking around she didn’t see much in the way of food and there was no one in the place besides herself and Barry. And the decorations were just dreadful! A net in one corner with a plastic lobster duct taped to it.

“Nice place.” Jill said to the lady who had a strange grimace on her face.

“Uh, well. I just work the register…I had nothing to do with the ABSOLUTLY ATROCIOUS DECORUM,” she yelled looking behind her back. A loud banging noise erupted from the kitchen but before Jill could inquire the lady added, “Well, I guess I should seat you.”

There were only a couple of tables to choose from so it didn’t look like they were doing much business. Their hostess slammed down their menus, but made a look that indicated she was sorry. “Oh, um. Sorry I’m new at this.”

“Oh, that’s all right!” Barry smiled and continued, “see this girl right here” he said pointing at Jill. “Why, when I first met her she barely knew how to fire a gun strait, now she’s one of the best I ever saw!”

“Oh, I see…how nice. Uh, anyway, I guess I’ll take your orders…” she trailed off as they all became aware of more banging from the kitchen. “Era-I guess I should actually take care of that first.” Then she ran out of the room as fast as a gazelle.

“Whoa! Spry little thing!” Barry chuckled.

Jill looked shiftily around the room, “Barry, don’t you think there’s something…weird about this place?”

“Yeah…there’s only one thing on the menu…well I’ll be! I like it not to have to think about what I want. Ya know when there’s like three different things on the menu and you just can’t decide. Well, this makes my life easy,” Barry laughed again a good Santa Clause like chuckle.

“What? Let me see that,” Jill said as she reached for the menu and began reading: “all you can eat shrimp? That’s it? “she asked flipping the menu over.

Shrimp.

Shit! Her one weakness! She wasn’t sure why but for the last couple of years she couldn’t seem to get enough of it. Which was weird because she used to hate shrimp.

Their hostess/waitress came back in a few minutes later and she did not look happy. “Okay, well what do you want,” she asked gloomily.

“Well, I’ve thought it over and I think I’m going to go with the shrimp!” Barry smiled as he handed her back the menu.

“Very good! And you Miss Valin-ta uh, I mean, what do you want?” the waitress stuttered.

“Uh, well…” Jill narrowed her eyes. Yes, something seriously fishy was going on around here. “I have a coupon for a free drink…”

“What!” the waitress said as she ripped the coupon from her hand. “He didn’t tell me about this…uh, never mind I’ll find you something,” the waitress said before disappearing back into the kitchen.

Jill cocked an eyebrow, “okay, as long as it isn’t clam juice…”

“MMMMMmmm, I love clams!” Barry informed her.

Glad that she didn’t have to respond because a few moments later Jill noticed a mousy looking blonde girl come in carrying a bucket full of shrimp. She looked…so sad as she dumped the shrimp into the buffet bar. When she was finished she looked back at the kitchen before hastily making for their table.

“Um…I’m really-uh really sorry to disturb you, but uh…I’m just…it’s just…”

Barry must have felt for her, she was probably about the same age as his daughters, “Oh, its okay sweetheart! Don’t you worry about me getting enough shrimp.”

“No, it’s just...” she looked like she was about to start crying. “I’m just really sorry about all this!”

“Sherr-era Charlene, yes Charlene, stop bothering the customers!” their waitress said as she pulled the girl from the table. “So sorry about that, she’s uh, a little slow…but she does enjoy filling shrimp buckets so that’s what we have her do.”

“Oh, it’s no bother at all!” Barry assured her.

“Well anyway, here are your plates! Enjoy!” the waitress said handing them some drab looking plates before slinking off into the corner.

Barry jumped up from his seat rushing over to the buffet table. “Come on Jill, what are you waiting for!”

Jill still sat in her seat biting her thumbnail she thought, “It’s okay, it’s just shrimp. I can control myself for another half an hour. It’s just shrimp…”

Seafood Buffet of Dubious Origins Part 1

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:19:26 GMT

Jill Valentine as at her desk, playing with the cord of her phone while she listened to Chris's answering machine kick on for the 10th time that day. "I'm not here. Leave a message."

Good, Lord, would it kill him to make a better message? Or better yet, just answer his God damn phone. She was up for election for the President of the BSAA's North American branch. And since Chris had single handedly saved the world from: Complete. Global. Saturation. She figured he might make a good reference. Well, if anyone could ever get a hold of him. Upon hearing the beep she began, "Chris. Where the hell are you? We're all really worried..."

Well it was kinda the truth. She was more worried about the mounds of paperwork they had accumulated over the past few weeks. Not that Chris really helped that much, he could barely read. But it was nice to have someone to run down to the Starbucks to get her a skinny latte every once and awhile. "I think Claire is really upset, she won't stop calling me, and I can barely hear her with all the roller derby sounds in the background. Anyway, I know things have been hard..." well she wasn't really sure why they had been hard for him.

SHE was the one who just spent 6 months in a tube with no one to talk to but Wesker and everyone once and awhile Excella or Irving...which was much worse. She shivered, remember all the late night hair dyeing parties, and Wesker crying because he didn't think Chris was all that into him anymore. And after THAT she spent the better part of the next year in quarantine. She should have just busted out; hell she would run up walls now. No... she wanted to devote her new super powers to the good of the world through the BSAA, and that meant dealing with their bureaucratic bullshit. Oh, well if everything went according to plan, she'd be president soon. Oh, that's right she was still on the phone. "Anyway, quit your wallowing in beer and cigarettes, and don't give up on people." She hung up the phone since she didn't want to start quoting anymore Metal Gear.

Looking at all the paperwork she sighed and ran her hand through her hair. It was still a weird feeling with her hair so short not to mention the fact she felt like a twelve-year-old boy. Her features were just to sharp to pull of a pixie cut like Brave Little Becky, but she had been so sick of the nasty blonde color she had just shaved it all of. Dammit Wesker. Messing with a girl and her hair was just sick and twisted. Actually though, she was just sick of every time she saw Carlos he would yell something about "HEY PRETTY LADY, DON'T YOU THINK BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN?!?"

Well it looked like Jill was going to have to have to take it upon herself to go get coffee. Which was a total bitch since it was like February in Chicago. She opened her desk drawer and shoved her knife into her knee high heeled leather boots, then put on her duo berettas into their holsters, picked up her lock pick, sandwich bag full of a green/red/blue herb mix, thank God she had her BSAA badge to explain that one if she had to..., her keys, cell phone, gunpowder mixing tool, wallet...shit that was eight spots already, how the hell could she hold her coffee! Thinking it over, she dropped the keys back onto her desk, she had her pick, what the hell did the 'Master of Un-locking" need keys for? She smiled, looking up to the framed picture of her father.

He must have been so proud of her, well would be if he hadn't been executed over a decade ago in Burma for trying to steal all those rubies. Sometimes even master thieves set their sights too high... She remembered his pleas in the execution chamber for her to turn her life around and us her skills for the greater human good. She still wasn't sure why she had promised to join a police force. Witnessing your father's execution at the hands of the Burmese government makes you say crazy things. She hadn't really been sure how to go about joining the police, so she did the only thing she knew how and forged an awesome resume. She had just meant to join the Raccoon Police Department and start out small, like filling up the coffee, maybe giving out traffic tickets. The interviewing had assured her that she was much too qualified for such a position, and had sent her up to the newly formed STARS office which was looking for people with exemplary talents such as her own. Maybe she had gone over board with that whole Green Beret bit. She has just turned twenty-one and all.

"Impressive!" Wesker had exclaimed multiple times during the interview. It had all sounded rather catty and she knew he knew that it was all made up. "My, my a former Green Beret...and at the tender age off," he said flipping back to the front page, "twenty-one. Pretty amazing Miss Valentine, considering...woman aren't even allowed membership, "he had smiled, thoroughly amused.

"Uh, yeah, well. They let me in anyway. That's just how amazing I am," she had said, matter of factly. Her father had trained her to be a master thief; she could lie her way through anything. Which is why she wasn't dead in Burma at this very moment.

"I admire your...tenacity, but really I don't think there's much I can-"

"NO! You gotta give me a chance! Okay, okay, I forged these all. But I promised my dad that I'd turn my life around and become a cop! I'm the daughter of a master thief and I can, uh, I can UNLOCK ANYTHING. Yup, that was her major selling point.

"Master thief? My God! Your not THE Jill Valentine, daughter of Dick Valentine....my condolences...I watched his execution on-era secret police stuff...you wouldn't know about. Anyway..." he started digging around in his desk and threw a part of well made handcuffs at her. "If you can open these, right now, I'll think about what I can do for you."

"Piece of cake," she said digging into her shirt. "Er, turn around..." He was obviously a dandy, but still girls got to have their privacy.

"HA!" he exclaimed, spinning his chair around to face the wall.

So she ripped out her bra wire and opened the pathetic excuse for a lock in 5 seconds flat. Wesker had been pretty impressed, but to this day she still had no idea why he hired her. True, her knowledge of the criminal lifestyle did make sense for STARS, but considering he had just trained them to go die horribly in the woods she wasn't sure. Maybe he had realized that without lock picking no one would have even made it down into the lab? Hard to say, Wesker was a pretty weird guy.

As she waited for the elevator (she usually jumped down the stairwell, but today she was wearing high-heeled boots and didn’t want to risk snapping the heels off) she decided to take out her iphone and check her e-mail.

“Two-hundred new messages!” she gasped. She was usually pretty good about checking her e-mail, there was usually pretty important stuff in there from her boss and the usual BSAA bullshit paperwork. Then there where the drunken rambles Chris sent about how incredibly sorry he was about her flying out that window and if he had only been a better partner, blah, blah, blah. Oh, God then there were the horrible chain emails she kept getting from Becky about kittens or horrible cop jokes. Ug, she was sure only Barry bothered reading them. Anyway, that’s what she was expecting when she opened up her inbox.

Not two-hundred restaurant flyers from a one, “Alberto Weskcardo.” She said the name under her breath. Nope, she didn’t know anyone with that name and it most certainly did not ring a bell. She growled as she dialed the number of the only person she knew sick enough to send her 200 coupons to the grand opening of a “Seafood Extravaganza.”

“Ohhh, if it isn’t Jill! My old partner, ya know!”

“Barry”, she scolded him nearly as she had back in 96’ when he dropped that mother-fucking rope on her head, then abandoned her in those hunter infested caves, then tried to shoot her, like twice, “if you wanted me to go to a seafood buffet with you then you could have just asked! I don’t need 200 coupons clogging up my inbox.”

“What’s that? Seafood buffet! Jill! I’d love to! See ya later,” he hung up the phone sounding incredibly excited.

“No, Barry, wait-”

Oh, God-dammit. She did not want to go to a seafood buffet with Barry tonight. This totally ruined her plans for painting her toe-nails and taking the dog for a walk and maybe helping stop some bank robberies if she had the time. Ug, but seafood was starting to sound really good. Maybe they would even have shrimp.

She gasped. Wait no it didn’t! She was smack in the middle of the Midwest and any seafood would be awful. Dammit, it was all Wesker and his stupid virus’s fault. She wasn’t sure why but she could just never seem to stop eating. Not that she was complaining much since she seemed to burn it off pretty well by running up all those walls and doing flips and shit across the skyline. She didn’t seem to have it as bad as Wesker did; he was looking down right anorexic for a couple of years there.

Well, she might as well call Barry back; he hadn’t even waited to hear where this restaurant was. She might as well, she did have over 200 coupons, and apparently every night was ladies night, whatever that meant. Not to mention she’d probably be doing Kathy a favor by getting Barry out of her hair for a few hours.

“Damn, that seafood is sounding better and better,” she thought as she dialed Barry’s number back.

**********************************************************************************

She stood outside knocking repeatedly on Barry’s beautiful suburban home, wrapping her scarf tighter to keep out the February wind. From the looks of the place it looked like Barry was doing pretty well in his retirement. Poor guy had tried to keep up with her and Chris after Raccoon got nuked, but he was getting older and had two kids that he had to think about their future tuition fees. He had helped them in supplying guns and ammunition, but he just couldn’t keep up with their non-stop devotion and zeal for taking down Umbrella. Lucky for them Umbrella had taken care of that one all by themselves.

“Jill? Jill, is that you!?” she heard his voice through the door.

Oh, for God’s sake. “Barry, yes its’ me, I just called you from my phone like three minuets ago! You said you’d be right out!” she said hopping in place from the cold.

“Oh!” she heard his muffled voice again. “Jill! I can’t find my pants!”

She rolled her eyes and Kathy finally came to open the door.

“Oh, Jill! Dear, it’ so good to see you!” Kathy smiled as she scooted her into the house. “And you look so healthy! Why your hair and skin almost have some color back.”

Jill thanked her, never mind she had to spend about an hour in the morning pilling on make-up so she didn’t look too much like a zombie.

“Why, Jill, it is so nice of you to take Barry out, he’s really missed you, you should have seen the way he cried like a baby at your funeral. Oh, I’ll have you know that Carlos planned you a beautiful service. The food was wonderful.

“Uhh, thanks?” she added not really sure how to respond to someone complementing her own funeral.

“Though he and Chris did have a little bit too much to drink and got in that horrible fight…oh but never mind that Barry broke it up almost immediately,” she said reassuringly.

That sounded about right. Leave it to Chris to almost get her killed then cause a scene at her fake funeral. Feeling slightly awkward she added, “Um, where is Barry, he said he’d be right down. “

“Oh, my…” she said flustered. “That poor man can’t find his way out of a box.”

Jill had noticed. Oh, she had noticed.

Barry finally appeared at the top of the stairs he appeared to have gained some weight since Jill had last seen him and his beard was five times bushier. Ah, well he deserved to have his retirement as comfortable as possible. He had never been the same since his bff and fellow gun enthusiast, Robert Kendo had presumably died when Raccoon bit the dust. Now it looked like she was his new bff, idk his bff Jill.

Of course she was also stuck being Chris’s bff and that was turning into one hell of a hassle, she really wished he would start hanging out with Sheva more, but she was pretty busy rebuilding Africa…and well, one could guess how well that was going.

“Jill! You’re here too?” Barry bellowed jubilantly.

She decided to humor him, he really had lost it after the Mansion Incident, not that he really ever had it to begin with. “Yes, Barry, I’m here too.”

“Alright, well you two have fun!” Kathy said as he walked them to the door and helped Barry put on his coat and fur-lined bomber hunting hat. “And Jill, please don’t let him eat too much! He’ll get a tummy ache. Barry laughed humorously as he patted his tummy. Jill assured her she would try as she and Barry walked to her Subaru still running in Barry’s driveway.

“Whoa! Jill! You got your old Subaru back? I thought that thing was at the bottom of some lake in Africa.”

“Naw, I begged Chris to go dig it out while I was in quarantine, I mean seriously, it was the least he could do.”

“Well, good thing! It’s a beauty!”

“Uh-huh.” She didn’t really drive it for looks, but her and that car had been through a lot especially after Wesker had made her take it across the Atlantic on a ferry because he just couldn’t be bothered to buy a car for her to drive that prick Irving around in.

On the drive she played nice and asked how Moira and Polly were doing. How time had flown! They were both in college now, and it seemed like only yesterday he had been proudly showing them around the STARS office and teaching them proper gun maintenance. God, she felt old.

Running out of things to say she asked, “So, why’d you want to go to this buffet so bad anyway?”

He scrunched his brow, “Huh, you asked me to go to this place with you, Jill!”

Her mind had been in some pretty weird states lately, but she thought she would remember sending herself 200 e-mails about the opening of a seafood smorgasbord. And there was really no point in yelling at Barry, he was so stupid he probably really didn’t remember sending them anyway.

“Well, whatever, here,” she said handing him her iphone so he could read her the directions.

Barry looked at the thing like it was from another planet, “What, what is this?”

Jill sighed, “It’s an iphone, Barry.”

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, iphone, eh? Well I’ll be. But, Jill! I can’t see anything on this thing.”

“Oh, for-just give it here,” she said taking it back from him.

Barry shook his head, “Kids these days. Driving and textling their cell phones. I keep telling the girls it’s too dangerous.

“Oh, Barry.” This was one of the reasons she put up with him, sometimes he sounded like such an old man she was reminded of her father. God rest his soul.

After parking her Subaru, she and Barry walked by foot to look for this mysterious seafood buffet that had apparently sprung up out of nowhere. There weren’t even any reviews of it online. And any place and was anything had some sort of web page, seriously this was Chicago! It really must be bad, but at least she could get a few drinks on “ladies night” and then make Barry drive them back if he had too.

“Uh, apparently this is it…” she said looking up form her phone after checking the address for the tenth time.

“Alberto Weskardo’s Seafood Shack?” Barry exclaimed rubbing his beard.

Jill wasn’t sure why, but she had a bad feeling about this all. This place had sprung up overnight, in what might say were, “dubious origins.”

Not to mention the name…now that she thought about it, it did seem strangely familiar.

Barry walked up closer to the window and exclaimed, almost right on queue, “Whooooooooaaaaa, this restaurant looks dangerous!”

She rolled her eyes saying, “Oh, Barry you say that about everything!” But…maybe he was right this time, the place did look like a dive, but she had a gun, hell between them they were probably carrying ten guns.

“Oh, well what’s the worst that could happen? Besides, I could really go for my free drink right about now.” And with that she went inside, Barry following shortly behind her.

U R ALL MY BRRRROS

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 06:56:09 GMT

A Story for Broulmates
Let's see: 3, 875 Words
Don't mind any inconsistent use of: codecs, sneaking-suits, or medical procedures. If Kojima doesn't even have to keep it realistic or even consistent than neither do I.

Snake sighed. The sun's unrelenting rays continued their assault on his dark sneaking-suit covered body. It wasn't helping matters that he was sprawled belly down on hot asphalt. He had been lying still for nearly ten minutes, M9 aimed at the projected spot of the hopefully soon approaching guard's head. He had considered just running for it, but if the guard came back, it could cause trouble. It was safest to just wait for him to patrol back and tuck him in for bed. Besides, Snake had aaaaaaall day.

What was taking so long? "What the hell do they feed these guys?" Snake snarled in his head. Remembering all the times a guard had expressed severe bowel dilemmas.

For a lack of anything else to think of Snake pondered the bitter irony on how the best way to remain concealed from the view of humans was also the worst possible way to hide from the sun. He imagined his furry australopithecine brethren of the African savanna, in the miasma of heat and sickening brightness, taking that first step to bipedalism, their surface area to the sun minimized to nil. Or had it been the fur? Had they shed their thick hair to better combat the stellar heat? But then, why walk up right? His thoughts continued to drill. It wouldn't have been feasible to make two such drastic evolutionary changes at once. Snake imagined them, huddled together in tall grass, facial expressions bizarrely close, but not quite human, spawn hanging loosely at their mother's side, suckling a drooping tit...of course! With no hair a mother would have to use her arms to carry the child relying on only her legs to carry them. The genes better equipped for walking, propelling the race into complete control of the world around them. Snake wanted to laugh, bitterly. The thought of genes making one better equipped... Fuck you Big Boss. You and your genes.

Snake shook his head slightly, his bandanna completely failing, letting a few droplets of sweat roll lazily into his eye. Why was he getting so over heated for anyway? Weren't sneaking suits supposed to be made to combat exposure? Snake didn't really know...he was never one for technical stuff. Only worrying about getting done what needed to be done: done. But maybe this is what Otacon had meant by "budget cuts."

Whatever the money had gone into instead better have been one hell of a necessity then. Sure as hell better not have been spent on another one of those robots that turned into things. The one that turned into a gun was pretty cool in Snake's opinion, but Otacon seemed to enjoy the stupid ones that turned into microscopes or watering cans or some shit.

So lost in his thinking about "Change-atrons" caused Snake to completely even register that the patrol, that he had been waiting almost 15 minutes for, had finally come back into sight. Disturbed slightly at his rare incompetence and having already missed his best chance at a clear shot made aiming pretty difficult, but Snake was going to be damned if he waited another 15 minutes for the douche-bag to patrol back around. Aiming for the back of the guard's head he made ready to fire.

BEEP BEEP.

BEEP BEEP.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF" Snake thought as he saw the dart explode with a flash of light against the concrete wall slightly above the pat's head.

"Huh? What was that?" the guard gasped looking above his head as he fumbled for his radio, inevitably to call HQ.

BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP

"Not. Know. Otacon," Snake growled through his teeth as he worked another tranquilizer round into his gun.

"HQ! HQ! Respond! I- I-'m und-dyaaaa..." the guard trailed off as he fell to the ground --the tranquilizer shot into his groin already taking effect.

"Shit," Snake cursed under his breath. Even with the guard unconscious the message he had managed to send was more than enough to raise suspicion. Snake sprung to his feet trying to get to the guard as quick as possible to move the body out of the LoS of any other pat's making their way around the nearby corner. Grabbing the man by the legs Snake began to haul him off down the hallway when his codec started to ring yet again. "Uuuuuuuuugggg," Snake groaned, still not bothering to answer, knowing his nanomachines would answer the call automatically after three failed calls. Otacon had programmed it as such just in case Snake got in a situation where he would be unable to reach the dial switch.

"Snake?! Snake!? Why aren't you answering! Are you hurt! Are you dead! Come on, just answer me!" The high-pitched voice rang in Snakes eardrums much like an angry monkey at the zoo.

"Not know...I'm kinda’ in the middle of something here." Snake huffed as he continued to drag the body, "And no I'm not dead! Don't you have a copy of my vitals on your screen, anyw-" Snake stopped having spotted two guards pointing and yelling at him. Dropping the body, immediately he took off sprinting in the opposite direction down a near-by hallway. He remembered from his way in that eventually one of the walls dropped off to expose a ledge with railings that overlooked the entire compound. If he could get there fast enough he might be able to fool the guards by hanging off the ledge as they ran by. After making a few right turns down the hall he spotted the beginnings of the half enclosed cat-walk. Which, really couldn't be described as a cat-walk at all, on second thought. All he would have to do is keep running forward than make a jump down and grab-

Slightly started by a load popping noise and sequential shooting pain in his left buttock, Snake ran full force into the railing. "God damn cheap suite," Snake mentally raged. Gripping onto the top of the rail, he felt a little uneasy looking down off the ledge into one hell of a mountain ravine. Snake's thoughts raced, "Fall. Make them think I've fallen. Come on, it will be cool." He pulled himself up onto the railing a bit more as more bullets whizzed past, and did his best dying yell, "AAAAAAaaaaaag," and slowly dropped himself head first off the ledge. At the possible second he flipped grabbing hold of the side, slamming his head against the concrete wall in the process.

By all accounts this little trick shouldn't have worked. Any idiot would be able to tell he had grabbed onto the side. But secret Argentinean Dictator Goons funded by the still surviving members of the Third Reich were notoriously dumb. Hopefully these boys met the standard.

He heard the guards’ exclamations in Spanish. Something that translated along the lines of:

"Bro! You like totally shot him. That was awesome! Wait until Adelmo hears about this. He'll probably even call you to his room!"

"Wha-what if he didn't die, ya know from the fall. Maybe we should..."

"Naw, are you kidding! No one could live from that!"

"Yeah...I guess so..."

"Good, then let's go celebrate by hitting a pinata or whatever else Argentinian Nazis might do!"

"Oh-okay, bro."

Snake was trying to remain as quiet as possible but the shooting pain in his ass wasn't making things very easy. As he listened for the soldier's footsteps to die away his codec kicked back on.

"Snake? What's happening? The bases radio conversations are going crazy, something about an intruder...I-I think you should ah- I think you should probably hide."

Snake gritted his teeth. Wishing that the buzzing in his head, either from blood lose, hitting his head, or the incessant nagging, would just stop for a second while he worked at hauling his ass back up over the rail. Slowly, he pulled himself back up onto the ledge, hooking his arms around the railing he stopped to gain some breath.

His condec kicked up again, "Snake? Snake? Have you been shot? You're losing blood...and wh-why aren't you answering. Come on, please!"

Snake sighed. He really couldn't answer, but in his annoyance he probably wouldn't have answered anyway.

Otacon continued, "Oh-god, are you not answering because you’re knocked-out, bleeding to death somewhere? W-why does this always happen to meeee?"

Snake wanted to roll his eyes, but settled on getting back over the railing. Better to calm Otacon down fast before he killed himself or something. Once back on his feet, Snake limped slowly to the "half catwalk's" only wall. Stumbling a bit, he rested his shoulder against the wall letting it support most of his weight.

Reaching to his ear and saying with authority, "Otacon. Knock it off. I'm fine." He heard a sigh from the other end followed by a long silence.

Otacon finally spoke up, "Snake. You've still been shot. Where?"

"In the ass God-dammiiiiiit."

******************************************************************************

Hal was having issues finding the door's keyhole. If the doors even HAD keyholes that is. Sure the man at the desk had given him a key but from all the man's slurring and his own very limited understanding of Bolivian Spanish, he really had no idea what the man had been talking about. He had just tried to grin and nod like any other American tourist in Bolivia would do.

"If you don't get that door open in the next five...okay ten seconds I'm gunna bust it down," Dave said irritably as he hung his head against the shanty wall.

"Hmmm," Hal continued working on the door, glancing up for a second to adjust his glasses, sweat produced from the Bolivian climate making his face slick. "Yeah, know. I bet I could break this door down, I think it's made of cardboard.

"Pfffffffft," Dave sneered, "Cardboard? Cardboard is too sweet a mistress for a place like this."

"Uh-huh," he played along remembering the strong dose of painkillers Dave had been taking steadily since the ride over the Bolivian border. For fear of getting caught they hadn't even stopped long enough to attempt to remove the bullet still lodged in Dave's ass.

Finally getting the door un-locked Hal swung it open and helped his buddy inside. Throwing his gear by the door Dave fumbled his way to the bed, the only real piece of furniture in the shit-hole. After closing and locking the door Hal attempted to turn on a light switch, sighing slightly when none of them worked.

Pacing across the room Hal said, "I still can't believe how you managed to assassinate the remaining Third Reich leaders, fight and destroy five metal gears, AND blow-up the entire compound. You're amazing! All the while with a bullet stuck in your butt."

"Uuuuuuuuug," a slight groan escaped from a muffled pillow.

"Whoa, whoa whoa, Dave, don't fall asleep," he said rushing to the bed, "We've got to get those bullets out and there's no light in here..."

Dave groaned as he raised his head slightly off the pillow, "just....hand me my knife then, I don't need any lights."

Hal straightened his body and crossed his arms, "You're going to do it?"

"Of course....I mean have you ever removed a bullet before?"

"Well...not from a human, no."

"Human?" Dave asked intrigued.

"Well, I uh...I-er..." Hal trailed off, wishing he hadn't said anything. "Juli. She shot my dad's dog after he killed himself. It was a mess really." Sighing slightly he continued, "Yeeeah, good dog too. Purebred Bluetick Coonhound...never caught anything besides squirrels...but he was real friendly."

Dave, probably too terrified to say anything, remained silent for awhile finally chiming it with, "Uhhhh, sucks bro."

Hal smiled slightly, "Yeah, yah know, it did suck. Now come on, let me help you before you die of gangrene."

Dave pushed himself off the bed, his face contorting slightly from the pain.

As Hal helped him up he said, "Not going to argue with me anymore?"

"How the hell can I? After a sob-story like that," Dave said as he began to kick off his boots. Hal reached his hand behind “Snake’s” neck searching for the suit's zipper. Dave's hair was a sticky hot-mess of locks, difficult to hold up from his skin. This was necessary to avoid getting the zipper caught. Hal unzipped the suit becoming slowly lost in the manly curve of Dave's spine.

"Good Lord, Hal," Dave's sudden voice startling him slightly. "It's not a designer dress."

Hal snorted, "They might as well be, more the amount of money these things cost."

Dave continued twisting his arms out of the suit, "Speaking of which, where the hell did you get this thing? It's as hot as hell and it managed to let a bullet through."

Hal's stomach churned a little. The thought of Dave thinking that he had skimped on the field technology made him sick. He would sooner use a Dell laptop then send Dave in with shoddy equipment. Sensing Hal's sudden detachment, Dave gripped him hard by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes like a cat through a fish tank. "Hal, what" He asked caringly, but sternly.

"I-I would never compromise the mission...and, and certainly never endanger you....well anymore than necessary."

Dave relaxed his face and smiled. Saying, "I know that. I was just joking. Boy, you need to learn to relax some."

Hal still wasn't paying attention, his eyes glued to the pathetic nightstand over Dave's shoulder. He shook his head as if suddenly remembering something. "Raiden! I got the suit from him. Wh-why is Raiden trying to kill you?"

Dave let out a mighty chuckle, "Kill me! That kid couldn't kill me, even if he wanted to...no, he's just still crying from the time I knocked him out and stole his clothes. I'm sure he's been trying to think of a joke to play on me for years now."

This new revelation didn't make Hal feel any better. "Even so...I still should have checked it, this is all my fault!" he said lowering his eyes noticing Dave's now very naked chest, the suit top bunched-up around his waist. He watched as sweat trailed down into the smooth, smmoth fabric, wishing that Dave didn't shave his chest...it would just be so much more "manly" or something. Screw aerodynamics. Anyway, what was he thinking, he was supposed to be feeling guilty here. Snapping back to his senses he added, "Well, I'm going to send Jack a snarky e-mail....maybe even a virus that will infect his computer with nothing but goatse."

"Ha, ha, now that's the spirit, pal," Dave said smiling and patting Hal's shoulders. "I don't know about goats, but if it involves the internet I'm sure it's bad."

"Heeh, uh. Yeah. I'll show you later."

"Thanks, but no thanks," he said limping towards the bathroom.

Hal followed behind him trying to prop the bathroom door open as much as possible. They were going to need the air, considering the bathroom itself was the size of a coffin. Putting it mildly, the bathroom was pretty gross. Hal couldn't really remember a worse one. The best comparison he could muster in his memory were the rest stops of the American West, remembering their horrible stench and dirty, cold metallic surfaces from his family "vacations" as a child with his dad and real mother. Before her most tragic death of course.

"Okay, here take my knife," Dave said unsheathing his combat knife from his leg holster.

Taking the knife Hal responded, "Don't worry, I read about how to do this on the internet."

Dave raised his eyebrow as he turned into the shower working at lowering his suit, "…and what did this internet say?"

"Uh, it said to never try to remove bullets yourself and that you should go to the emergency room."

"Heh, good advice."

Hal took the knife and opened the small first aid kit to retrieve some rubbing alcohol to sterilize all the equipment he might be using. "Hmm, let's see, let's see...knife...tweezers...bone saw, eh guess we won't need that, " he grumbled to himself. He put out the rest of the medical supplies on top of a plastic bag, not wanting to put any of the items on any of the bathroom surfaces.

Dave worked at pulling down his suit, finally exposing his magnificent buttocks.

Hal giggled, he couldn't help it. Seriously. That ass. Although it was currently in a less than perfect state due to the wound. Hal lowered himself to the floor, his knees resting on the un-naturally hot floor. Balancing himself, he ran his thumb slowly over Dave's muscular right hip before firmly grabbing on.

"Alright, dig in," Dave said unenthusiastically as he pushed his arms onto the shower wall in order to better steady his body. "Wish I had a cig...."

Hal would have scolded him if he hadn't been distracted by the swollen mess of flesh situated around a dark point of metal. The wound had probably been trying to heal itself for the last couple of house.. Almost seemed a shame to end all the hard work by shoving a knife into it. "Uhh, what the hell am I doing again?"

"Dig it out. That's it."

"Dig...it...?" He asked apprehensively.

"Do it."

"But...Wh-"

"I said just fucking dooo et already." Dave replied with a rather strange intonation.

"Uh-okay...it doesn't look that deep anyway I guess." He said slowly dipping the knife's point into the abrasion, trying to follow the side of the bullet into the flesh. As he continued prodding, he felt Dave's body stiffen and heard him release a slight hiss at the knife's intrusion. Hal felt a little guilty, but it really couldn't be helped. Feeling that he had reached the bullet's tip he began to tip the knife like a levy in hopes of prodding out the bullet. He tried to be as gentle as possible but it needed more force, wincing his own face as he prepared to dig deeper.

Dave gave a slight grunt as the bullet clanked to the ground. "There! Hard part's over..." Hal said as he applied a slight amount of pressure to the recently bullet freed wound. Fumbling for the styptic astringent he knocked the disinfectant on the floor, spilling slightly before picking it back up right. "Probably the cleanest this room's ever been," he mussed. Applying the bandages next, he hoped he had done a good enough job, the bandages sticking out slightly awkward, like a sad mummy. A butt mummy that was .

"Alright there, good as new...shoulda' been a doctor..." Hal trailed of loosely wrapping his arms around Dave's broad waste, letting the side of his head rest peacefully against Dave's lower back.

"Yeah, a regular Para-Medic you are."

Hal grinned. "Snake, have you ever seen, "Godzilla?" They both laughed, having remembered the more boring parts of the 'Operation: Snake Eater' logs they had read after Hal hacked into the Pentagon's computer system a few months earlier. It hadn't been as difficult as one would think...all preparation for one day frying all of Blizzard's mainframes. All in good time. All in good time.

Dave stirred, freeing Hal from his most secret of desires. "Well, if you’re done hugging my ass, I'd like to get some sleep now." Hal groaned, and tightened his grip. He really didn't want to move, not just yet...he figured he could stay plastered to that ass for eternity and die a happy man.

"Nooo, not yet,"Hal wined letting his hands drift down Dave's front. He let his palm drift slowly though rough pubic hair, stopping shortly at the protruding soft, wrinkly flesh. To which he slowly ran his own hand down, feeling it twitch ever so slightly.

"Whoa, hold it pal," Dave said in a gruff annoyance as he grabbed onto his nerd's wrist. "I thought I just said that I was going to bed?" He limped out of the shower pushing Hal's body out of the way. Hal sighed, but sulking stood up and let Dave led him by the hand back into the bedroom. Dave slowly lowered his good-side onto the bed so that he was resting on his right-side, facing the window and the ungodly-hot Bolivian setting sun. Hal plopped beside him and began to wiggle off his shoes and pants, leaving him in nothing but his Yugi-Oh! boxer shorts.

"God, those things are sexy," Dave said trying to keep a straight face.

"Shut-up," Hal scoffed turning onto his side away from his companion. "You're just jealous you can't fit into little boy's pants anymore....wait, uh, that came out wrong." He heard a chuckle as Dave tried to pull their bodies closer together almost like...spoons.

"Meeeh, stop it...it's too hot for spooning," Hal said trying to squirm away, stopping when he felt a warm callused hand slip in under the waist band of his Dark Magician boxers. "Haaaarg," he cried out, squirming more at the sudden pleasure. "Nyaaaa....hey,,,hey! I thought you said you were going to sleep?"

Dave grinned at his little nerd and said, "Well, I hadn't planned on it, but as I already said, THOSE SHORTS!" Then he laughed some more and grabbed Hal's cock with much intensity. Hal squirmed. "But...anyway, I just figured I should go ahead and be a pal, seeing as how I got you so worked-up over removing that bullet from my ass."

"Guess I shouldn't argue then, huh?" Hal replied as Dave ran his muscular thumb over his slit, spreading pre-cum down his shaft, making for more excellent friction. "Gwhaa, nyaa, naaaaah!" Hal howled, practically kicking his companion in the process of his love throws.

And then nothing happened.

Wati no! Then he came all over his boxers, and we all know the Dark Magician always was a bit of a cum-slut.

After stripping off his soiled panties and chucking them into the near-by corner, he turned to Dave with his hand out and said, "Wow, you really are a pal."

"What the hell are you doing."

" Oh, you know..."

"No. I told you, I'm not going to shake your hand after...that. It's just weird.”

"Mmmm, you're no fun sometimes Dave," he said collapsing into his friend's side, ready for sleep."

Dave brushed his hand through his compadre's hair. "Thought you said it was too hot to be so close to each other."

Feeling sleep approaching, he responded, "Meh, it’s okay...just for a little bit." Closing his eyes Hal pondered how incredibly bizarre it all was. Here he was, in one of the shittiest countries in the world, on the run from over a dozen powerful organizations, and waiting for death or something far worse around every corner. But, that as long as he was near his number one bro, in his powerful arms...everything would be okay. "Hey....Dave, do you ever feel that it's like, we're married?" There was no answer. "Jeez, it was just a joke," he chuckled.

"No...it's just. You can't marry your bro."

Hal laughed a real laugh. "Haaaah, Dave, that's the greatest thing I’ve ever heard you say!" "You can't marry your bro!!! Brilliant..."

"Erm, whatever, just let me go to sleep already..."

"Mmkay, fine. If you say so..." Hal fell asleep thinking of all the wonderful things he would be sending Raiden via e-mail the very next morning.

Yup, can’t marry your bro, bro.

Skywarp Learns the Meaning of Life

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 03:32:00 GMT

Skywarp's Big day out!

“Man, oh man, what a great day!” Skywarp exclaimed as he barrel-rolled his way through the clear blue skies of some land mass he had been told was called “America,” not that it mattered much to him. Earth was just Earth. For the life of him he couldn’t understand why these silly earth creatures even bothered to fight for different parts of it. Now, Cybertron! That was worth fighting for.

“Now Warp, this IS their planet, I mean, sure they really only evolved yesterday…but I still think it’s more their’s than, heh, say Megatron’s.”

“By Straxus! TC is deep! Heh, TC would so say something stupid like that…it’s just like him,” Skywarp thought to himself. He thought for a second about how strange it was that if you spend enough time with a bot’ you can imagine yourself having a conversation with them even if they’re not really there.

Skywarp had now been flying for hours doing barrel-roll after barrel-roll, somersault after somersault. He had been having so much fun that he lost track of time and before he knew it the sun was sinking into the horizon. He didn’t know why, but for some reason the sunset looked even neater that normal. All the colors bouncing off his optics and being processed by his CPU, all happening in .000000001^{-5757575393024920349032940290} of a nano second, was simply amazing! Not that Skywarp thought about that kinda stuff. “Perdy” was enough for him. But it was just such a pretty sunset it made him feel almost…what was the word? Hell, what was the feeling again…

“What are you doing? I’m bored!”

“…what…oh just reading’.”

“Uuuuugg, sounds even more boring.”

“Heh, ha, ha. Just like ya to say a thing like that, Warp.”

“Okay fine. What are you reading?”

“’Bought Earth philosophy.”

“Why?”

“Why not? Might learn something…probably not though.”

Skywarp replayed other boring stuff TC liked to talk about through his head in hopes of remembering what this feeling was called. He racked his circuits, but couldn’t remember. Maybe he hadn’t even heard anything to begin with. It mad him kinda sad. TC was just too deep for him sometimes.

“I don’t think I’ll ever understa----” Skywarp began to say to himself when he suddenly crashed head-in to, well something.

“UUUUUUURRRRrrrrgh” Skywarp yelled as he began to transform. Why oh why did he never leave his radar on! “Heh, only pussies like Starscream use radar.” After transforming he realized he was sitting in a pile of garbage. A really really big pile of garbage.

“What the hell?” Skywarp asked as he began to do a scan of the literal dump. Upon completion the screen in front of his optics flashed and read:

“Fresh Kills Landfill. Largest landfill in America. Being closed do to planes from JKF airport flying into it.”

“Uuuuuuuuuggg, you gross humans!” Skywarp yelled kicking a hot piece of steamy garbage. He curiously observed the land in front of him. It seemed that his crash had unearthed century’s worth of garbage. The biochemical decay happening layer between layer had produced garbage several hundreds of degrees hot. “Cool” he said picking up a piece of plastic and flinging it several hundred yards away.

“Stop right there Decepticon scum!”

“Huh? What’s up?” Skywarp asked as he turned around to see a pretty boring looking Autobot. He was all grey like with doors stickin out of his back that appeared to read “Poli” and “olice.”

“Ug, which one are you again? Sorry but you all kinda look alike.” Skywarp said rather truthfully. As he turned around the Autobot’s demeanor seemed to change.

“Oh…oh! I can’t believe it’s you. I never thought I would…I mean…” the Autobot said obviously flustered.

Skywarp raised his robo-brows and said a bewildered, “huh? Watcha mean?”

“I never imagined someone of your… caliber would be stationed at the garbage dump,” said the Autobot.

That’s it, Skywarp was really confused. He was confused most of the time, but this was just gettin’ weird. “Yeah, well I am pretty cool, and I was just ah…ah…checkin out stuff here and…uh…”

“Shhhhh,” the Autobot said as he stepped closer, “no need to lie to me, I won’t tell if you won’t…Air Commander, Starscream.”

“WHAT! STARSCREAM!” Skywarp yelled. Of all the insults! Of all the filthy things he had been called over his existence, this seriously took the cake. He didn’t even look a thing like that idiot. I mean seriously he was purple. Starscream was red and blue. It was a huuuuge difference.

“No-no stay calm my friend,” the Autobot said as he brushed his hand across Skywarp’s cheek.

Skywarp panicked in his confusion and only stared right back into the Autobot’s winking face as he said, “Don’t worry. No one else is here; no-one will bother us…”

“Whoa whoa, pal” Skywarp said brushing the Autobot away, “Listen, I ain’t--” he stopped himself with the sudden realization that this could be a lot of fun. Yes, the perfect prank! Everyone over at Decepticon base had caught on to his jokes and shenanigans millennia ago and he hadn’t had a good laugh in ages…but eww, he’d have to pretend to be Starscream…oh well, it was worth it he gathered.

“Uhh..heh…uh…yeah that’s right! I’m Starscream, the most awesome-ist jet in all uhh…this earth-no universe!” Skywarp yelled with much enthusiasm.

“Oh, don’t I know it…” the Autobot lowered his optics. “I’ve been watching you for sometime…I can’t keep my eyes off of you,” the Autobot said as he sighed.

“Oh yeah, me too uh...” Skywarp trailed off trying to think of the Autobot’s name. “Uhhh…Bumblebee?” Skywarp guessed.

“Bumblebee?” the Autobot looked confused.

Skywarp cursed himself, he thought they were all named Bumblebee.

“Uhhh, just a joke my dear.” Skywarp laughed nervously.

“Oh-hohoho, you are just as clever as you are beautiful!” the Autobot exclaimed as he rushed into Skywarp’s arms. “I’ve waited so long for this moment! Take me! Make me yours!”

Skywarp couldn’t help but laugh. Were all the Autobots this easy? No matter, time for some fun.

“Ohh, very well, now, roll in the garbage like you belong with it filthy Autobot!” he screeched, doing his best Starscream impression. The Autobot looked slightly taken aback at first, then incredibly happy. With in nanoseconds he was on his back in the steaming garbage rolling to and fro.

“Hahaha, yes!” Skywarp laughed trying not to lose it too much. He walked closer to the Autobot and shoved his thruster-boot as hard as he could into the Autobot’s protruded car-front chest plate. The Autobot groaned in ecstasy.

“Uuuuuuugggg, more please, sir!” the Autobot pleaded.

Skywarp looked around the landfill; he smiled as he spotted a rusty crowbar. He didn’t want to have to actually touch the Autobot if he didn’t have to. He picked the crowbar and began to wedge it into the Autobot’s metal plating.

The Autobot gasped and then asked nervously, “Whoa, heh, uh, careful with that would you…”

“Silence! Filthy Autobot…you’re the one that wanted this anyway…or do you want me to stop?”

“N-No! Please don’t,” the Autobot said as he continued to squirm around in the steaming garbage.

“Good. Cus I wouldn’t anyway. Now, lick my boot as I continue to ram this rusty crowbar into your circuits!”

“Ye-yes, Sir!”

Skywarp kicked his thruster-boot hard into the Autobots head. He was scared for a second that he had off-lined him, but the Autobot recovered, sticking his glossa out to begin licking the damn-sexy boot.

Skywarp continued to laugh, greatly wishing that TC was here to see this beautiful site. He continued his work unlatching the Autobot’s plating with the crank of the crowbar, exposing all of the red and green circuitry. Skywarp didn’t rally want to waste anytime so he immediately began pushing the crowbar right into the wiring. Underneath him the Autobot screamed and moaned.

“Ooooh, yes, right there, more, more, more,” he cried.

“MY GOODNESS! PROWL!” Skywarp heard a voice say from behind him.

Annoyed at the interruption of his fun Skywarp turned around to see red Autobot with a very shocked expression on his face.

“Hey, get out of here, I’m busy!” Skywarp yelled at the intruding Autobot.

Below him the grey Autobot squired for his metal casings saying, “Oh Primus, Perceptor, it’s not what it looks like! I swear!”

Perceptor continued to stare with his mouth open and replied, “I…I say…I can’t believe this. And from you, Prowl…with none other than…Skywarp!”

Skywarp frowned, even more annoyed.

“SKYWARP!” Prowl yelled. Jumping to his feet and yelling, “You said you were Starscream!”

Skywarp laughed.

“You thought he was Starcream! Well, my goodness that’s much worse!” Perceptor yelled flabbergasted. “What on Earth am I going to tell Prime?”

“Whoa, no you can’t tell Prime anything! Please Perceptor if Jazz found out...”

“Jazz? Why him of all people?”

“Uhh, it’s complicated. You can’t tell anyone! If this gets out I’ll be ruined!”

“Whoa, rough break pal,” Skywarp said still laughing. Prowl reached for his gun as Skywarp leapt into flight mode.

Hovering in the air he added, “Hey, Perceptor see that this pervert gets reported to Prime, okay?”

“Of course, Mr. Skywarp! Thank you for exposing this pervasion,” Perceptor yelled up to Skywarp.

“Hehe, no problem buddy, no problem.” Skywarp said as he headed up higher into the sky. Skywarp couldn’t wait to get home to TC to tell him about all this, maybe it would even make him a little jealous. Maybe he and TC didn’t really have that much in common other than the joy of humiliating others, but in the end maybe that’s all he needed to be happy.

OTP bro, OTP

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 06:24:17 GMT

I can't believe this shit turned into 10 god-damn pages in word. If only I could write research papers this fast. Oh well, I hope you all appreciate what a nightmare this was to write. Heh, just kidding, it was a lot of fun.

"Whoa, now THIS hallway looks dangerous," Chris said to himself as he stepped into the faintly lit cabin. Although, this was no time to be

making fun of Barry, he could be dead for all Chris knew.

Just like all the others. Joseph eaten by dogs, Kenneth eaten by suit zombie, Forrest pecked to death by crows, Richard eaten by a big snake...oh yeah the snakes! Chris quickly turned to shut the door but a few of the little snakes from the yard had pushed their way through and they looked hungry for blood...Chris's blood! "Shit," Chris said dancing away from the door readying his handgun. These snakes meant business. Chris had lived his whole life in this particular part of the United States, somewhere in the Midwest, for his entire life, and never once had he seen snakes like this. They were just the angriest sons of bitches you ever did see and right now they were getting ready to strike.

Chris raised his gun and fired.

*Bang* Miss.

*Bang*.Miss.

*Bang.*Miss.

*Click Click*...Chris panicked, maybe if he pulled the trigger a few more times something might change. *Click* *Click* Nope still empty. Chris cursed himself for making such a rookie mistake by not reloading his gun to have 15 bullets in it AT ALL TIMES. And now it was too late the snake had already flung itself at him and had latched its fangs right into his forehead.

"YEEEEEOOAAAACH" Chris yelled grabbing a hold of the snake's tail, trying to pull it off. It hurt liek hell, but he finally managed to get the damn this off. Not knowing what else to do with it Chris threw the snake to the ground and started stomping. Well, that took care of one snake but there were still 5 more. Chris released his knife from the stylish holder on his shoulder and began wildly slashing it in front of him...he was bound to hit something, right? He kept slashing putting his left hand in front of his face to shield off any snakes that might make it through the impenetrable slashing. After about 10 seconds of this nonsense, Chris looked to see that all the snakes were dead. Hurra, it had worked! But his forehead hurt like hell and he also started to kinda feel like he had cramps.

"Oh no, am I poisoned?" Chris thought to himself. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his electrocardiogram to check his health status. In dreaded purple it read: poison. Crap, if only Chris had bothered to carry one of those blue herbs around with him...but dammit, he just didn't have the room for it.

"Man, where's Brave Lil' Becky when ya need her..." Chris said to himself as he wobbled down the hallway. Not that he particularly disliked her, she was just kind of a annoying, and the way everyone thought she was just so awesome, well... he was marksman of the year, god-dammit! He supposed she reminded him some-what of Claire, a really lame Claire, but she was young, and stupid, so close enough.

As he limped his way down the dark hallway he spotted an entire table full of blue herbs. Really, this was pretty lucky, but still who needed like 8 blue herbs, couldn't some of them be green? Oh well, now was no time to complain. Chris picked up one of the blue herbs and smashed it into his forehead wound. "There, all better," he said, silently thanking the earth for her miraculous invention.

Well that solved that problem, but now what? There looked to be about 4 doors to choose from. This was going to take forever, and he was supposed to meet back up with Jill in about in hour in the main mansion hallway. Splitting up had seemed like a good idea at the time, they could cover more ground to look for clues and find more of those stupid keys...hey wasn't Jill the master of un-locking? What did keys matter to a master of un-locking things anyway. Maybe he would ask her when he got back...or maybe not, he didn't want to get slapped.

Chris really didn't understand women, which is why he much preferred his target practice sessions with Forrest. Haha, yeah "target practice." Chris sighed thinking, "This is no time to reminisce," plus he couldn't shake the image of the large murder of crows still circling outside.

"This is taking too damn long, I'll just randomly pick a door...hope I have physic powers," Chris said crossing his fingers. Chris moved his feet and began spinning his body around in circles, once he lost sense of the direction he stopped and found himself facing the shittiest looking of the doors. There was a mound of boxes in front of it and a hole in the floor right before the door...the hole was emitting something that smelled of rotten lettuce. "Ugg, great choice," he sighed.

He moved towards the door and made sure do walk over the hole because it looked like it went a ways down. But in the middle of crossing it he heard a sound. Chris paused to listen. The sound reminded him of rustling leaves, but not quite. Just as he leaned in to take a closer look something shot out of the hole and grabbed his leg. He stumbled closer to the door and feel to the ground. As he flipped around he noticed the thing stuck on his leg.

"TENTACLE MONSTER!" Chris exclaimed as he looked on in horror. The vine was squirming and twisting all around when he felt a sharp pain as the thing started to pull harder. He could see the huge thorns on the thing and knew it was going to start to hurt like hell if he didn't get the damn thing off. As Chris fumbled for his gun he realized he was being scooted on the floor closer and closer to the stinky hole.

"So that's your plan plant boy! Well I'm not going going in your stinky hole today" he said as he aimed the gun at the part of the plant farthest from his leg, but the plant kept pulling and messing up his aim. "Marksman of the year, marksman of the year," Chris repeated in his head to focus his aim, but it was no use, he would most likely shoot his foot and then Jill would have to carry him through this damn mess and he knew she would not be happy about that.

"Oh yeah, my knife!" Chris said as he unsheathed the beast of a blade. As he got ready to slash, the vine must have somehow known as it flicked his hand knocking the knife away. The knife bounced of the wall and landed fairly close back to him. As he scrambled for the knife he noticed the plant had wound its way further and further up his thigh. It was getting just a wee too close for comfort.

Chris blushed as he yelled, "HEY," slapping the vine away as if it was the hand of a naughty date. The vine end recoiled in shock, as if it was insulted. This gave Chris the perfect chance to grab his knife and completely hack the base of the vine near the hole. He heard a squeal as the plant slid back in the whole crying in pain and lost opportunity.

Chris didn't bother looking back at the plant; he shot for the door in front of him and slammed it shut once he was through. He braced his hands on some shelves as he tried to regain his breath, "should...probably....quit smoking, haha," Chris laughed to himself.

"Ah well, can't stay here forever, even if I was almost molested by a plant," Chris thought to himself as he worked to brush of the dust and plant remains on his pants.

Chris began to walk down the hallway, choosing to stay to the wall on the left rather than walk near the row of windows to the right. He and Jill had already had some fun with zombies bursting through windows back in the mansion and he didn't really feel like dealing with it at the moment.

As he round the corner he glanced at a table full of newspapers, there was nothing really out of the ordinary but he did notice the top one was an article about S.T.A.R.S. "Probably just a coincidence," he mussed. As he picked up the article he noticed the one underneath was also about S.T.A.R.S, and the next one...and the next one. "Hmm, pretty weird," he though. On further inspection he found the article about him wining "marksman of the year", "ferk yer, that was awesome" he thought. He then noticed that all the articles were about him and that and the articles had his name highlighted in pink highlighter marking. "All right, getting creepier..." he thought as he began to franticly search over the documents. Upon finding some pictures of himself with hearts drawn around his head he threw the papers to the floor and said, "That's it, I'm getting out of here." He quickened his pace in order finish searching the building so he could get the hell out of here and back to Jill.

The first door he tried was locked so he went into the second one. Looking around the room he thought that it appeared to be some sort of dormitory with bookshelves and a bed. The prospect of sleep did sound appealing but the bed looked kinda gross, "Eck I ain't sleepin' on that thing anyway," Chris said with attitude.

After looking around the room and he found nothing much of interest and since he didn't want to push any bookshelves around he decided to look real quick in the rooms other door which given the position was likely a bathroom or closet. He hoped it was a bathroom because he kinda needed to poop. As he turned the handle he noticed a good deal of water was seeping through from under the door.

"Oh good," Chris thought, "it is a bathroom." Only it reeked...which he didn't find as too much of a surprise. He'd already smelled enough foul odors that night to last a thousand life times.

"Looks like someone has made quite the mess in here," he thought looking the room over. The bathtub was completely full of water and it had overflowed all over the floor. He was pretty much ready to walk back out when he remembered that he and Jill had found an old key in a bathtub back in the mansion...what if this one had a key too? The people here seemed to have a habit of putting keys in the worst places imaginable so it seemed fairly likely there could be something useful in an old stinky bathtub in the back yard. It was also fairly likely there would be a sleepy zombie in there as well.

He really, really didn't want to stick his hand in there. The old bathroom wasn't really well lit, but he could still tell that that water was filthy. "Alright, all you have to do is pull the drain out, simple enough," he told himself. He decided to take off his S.T.A.R.S issue watch and sweet fingerless gloves and put them in one of his pockets, rather than to have to walk around with stinky gloves all night. Deciding to not put it off any longer he plunged his hand into the almost sickingly warm water and began fumbling around for the water stopper. He located in easily but couldn't pull it out, it must of screwed in or something. Cursing to himself he began trying to screw it but it seemed rather stuck, "What kind of shitty old log cabin uses thins kinda stopper anyw-" his thoughts were cut off when he noticed some bubbling noise coming from the other end of the bathtub. He froze in panic as a zombie, just on queue, flung itself into a sitting position in the tub. Not that he as particularly surprised at this turn of events Chris still managed to stumble and slip on all the water as he tried to stand and back away from the zombie filled tub.

"Oh my God I can't believe it's zombies!" Chris exclaimed. Only the house was filled with them so whatever. The zombie splashed and splashed its way around in the tub reminding Chris of some sort of retarded duck. It was almost sad because the poor guy was having a hell of a time getting himself out of there. It sort of reminded Chris of an old dog that he and Claire had had as kids. He halfway wanted to go help the poor creature up, but then he remembered that the zombie would bite him and a whole hell of a lot harder than the old dog.

Chris pulled his handgun from the holster, and began to take aim. Chris couldn't decide if he should try for a head-shot or just shoot it in the chest until it fell down. Always such a hard choice. Shooting it in the chest would waste bullets, but he was more likely to hit...shooting it in the head was less chance to hit, but was more chance to crit, and it was like totally awesome when the heads blew off.

"I didn't win Marksman of the Year for nothin," Chris explained to the zombie, having finally made up his mind to aim for the head.

*Bang* miss.

*Bang* another miss.

Long story short he missed all 15 times.

"Oh, son of a bitch!" Chris yelled flinging his handgun at the zombie. The gun struck the zombie, ironically, square in the forehead making it lose its balance even more, foiling all progress it had made at getting out of the bathtub. Chris still needed to check the tub and since he didn't have any other options now that he was out of ammo he took out his trusty combat knife and started hacking at the zombie.

"Go back to bed zombie," Chris said between breaths as he tried to hack at the zombie’s neck. If he could cut it up enough maybe he could somehow sever the damn things head from its body. By now the zombie probably wished it had just stayed in asleep in the bathtub...it hadn't been that bad he was just so damn hungry!

Chris continued to hack and slash through the neck muscles until he was able to spot some bone. The head on the zombie was starting to look kinda wobbly so now all it should take to send it flying would be some kind of force. Chris did a quick scan of the room when his eyes feel onto the already loose toilet set.

"That'll work," Chris said as he reached for the hard toilet cover. The zombie continued to thrash and cry as it tried to get out of the tub reaching for his meal. Chris grabbed the seat and wound up a hit to the zombies head. After a few whacks the zombies neck finally popped and the head flung against the bathroom wall.

"Shit, they don't make things out of wood like they used to," Chris said as he looked at the mighty toilet seat, letting it fall to the ground. His legs followed quickly as he lowered himself into a sitting position, resting his arms on the side of the bathtub. Shit he was exhausted, but it was time to dig for treasures in the blood and gore infested tub. He located his earlier abandoned handgun with out much problem, but finding a key or some other trinket would require much more work. He decided to rest his eyes, for only a moment, as he continued to catch his breath from the zombie fight.

"Some "Marksman of the Year" you are," said a voice from behind him.

The voice was deep and somewhat playful, and since zombies can't talk, Chris wasn't naturally alarmed to hear a voice in his groggy state of conscience.

"Heh, yeah, guess you're kinda-" Chris began to say, finally starting to wake up and wonder who had walked in, but just as he as raising his head up he felt something hit him hard on the back of the head. Everything went black for a few seconds. When his eyes fluttered open he could still see the bathroom's wood walls and he could make out the grimy white rim of the bathtub. He felt someone holding onto the back of his head, pulling his hair. He tried to fling his hands around, but it was impossible from the position he had been sitting in. He thought he heard laughter as his head began inching closer to the filthy bathtub water. Shear panic went through his body as he realized his head was about to collide with the stinky cesspool.

He felt chunks of shit touch his face as he violently tried to get free. In his panic he forgot to not try to breath and the vomit water filled his nose. He could feel it burning down his nasal cavities and throat. Seeing as things couldn't get much worse, he made the mistake of opening his mouth too. That really was a mistake. The taste was indescribable and if his body had allowed him to vomit, he would have a million times over. He continued to try to get free, but he was panicking a little too much to make any rational decisions. All of the police training in the world wouldn't have prepared him for being drowned in zombie water. Then suddenly he felt his body shoot upward and he could breathe again. He gasped for breath as he tried to open his eyes, but they burned like hell. Whatever asshole had dunked his head in there was still holding onto him pretty tight and pushing him against the rim of the tub.

"So...heard you'd be needing a new t"arget practice" partner, hmmm?" a voice whispered into his left ear. The person was very close to him, he could even feel the person's breath on his cold, wet neck.

"Huh...target practice?" Chris responded in a haze. Oh my god, how did someone find out about "target practice?" He and Forrest had been so careful with their romps.

"Wait, how did...who are..." Chris struggled with his words.

"Ssshhhhhh, my dear," said the voice as an index finger shot to his lips to silence his concerns. "I know everything about my men, I wouldn't be a very good leader if I didn't, hmmm?" The man's fingers started to play with Chris's lips, slightly digging their way into his mouth. If it wasn't for all the terrible smells in the room it might have been slightly erotic.

Chris's mind was able to finally make the connection. "We-Wesker! What the fuck dude!" It was hard for him to talk with all those sly fingers playing in his mouth.

"Ummm....uhh ha ha ha," Chris was incredibly uncomfortable and had begun to blush like mad. "I'm uh...flattered...but I don't think this is really the uh place or time...I mean...Forrest...he's..." Sure, Chris had always thought Wesker was a prime piece of man-meat, but he wasn't really his type...he was just so cold and distant. Forrest on the other hand, was a lot of fun and he had really pretty long red hair and wore girly earrings. Well, did.

"Being pecked by crows?" Wesker asked in a concerned voice. "Well, if I had known he meant so much to you maybe I wouldn't have locked him out on the terrace..."

Chris was shocked. "You...you what?"

"Hmmm, you sure are slow Chris. Anyway, as dear Forrest was investigating the terrace I threw a few jumbo sized bird bells out there then locked the door and hid the key. You and Jill found it eventually, but it was too late wasn't it? Ahh, the sweet sound of a man being pecked to death by crows...so beautiful...just like you dear-heart," Wesker said as he tilted his head and slowly licked his tongue from the back of Chris's neck to his ear.

Chris was mortified for a lot of reasons and while searching for words, Wesker said, "Bleck, Chris you taste disgusting...better take a bath!" And before Chris knew it he was back to being submerged in the filthy rotting bath water.

While squirming in the revolting water Chris thought, "My god! If he killed Forrest then did he kill the others too?" He and Jill had talked about the possibility of a traitor from within the police force...or rather Jill had because she was a whole lot smarter than him.

As his head was pulled up from the water Chris spat out the chunks of zombie flesh and yelled, "You son of a bitch, you killed them all didn't you! I always admired you, looked up to you...I...I...

"Loved me? Wanted me?" Wesker replied coolly.

"Wha-waht! NO! No way!"

"Mmmm, I think so, Chris you filthy whore..."Wesker said as he began to unzip Chris's pants. “You’re so filthy in fact; you should probably go for another dip in the bath…

“What-wait, no!”Chris was starting to freak out. "He-hey, what the hell are you doing!"

"Mmmm, time for..."target practice" he whispered into Chris's ear, making sure to purr out the last two words for effect.

"Uhhh, this is hardly the place for target practice!"

"Chris you idiot, "target practice" is a euphemism for sex."

"Ohh...uh, right."

And with that stunning revelation Wesker slammed Chris's head back into the mucky water of the bathtub.

As the stinking water filled his nostrils again Chris thought to himself, “ohmygodhowcouldthishavehappenedandimgoingtodieandomg. And oh my god why are his hands in my pants, and it really shouldn’t feel like that, should it!?!” Chris wasn’t sure why, but this hand-job was starting to feel awesome! It must have been being caused by the lack of oxygen to his brain, Chris assured himself. He had taken a psychology class in community college, so he knew these kinds of things.

And then he was breathing again with large greedy gulps. “He-hey, why’d ya stop? It was just starting to feel good.”

“Oh, so now you’re enjoying this?” Wesker sounded a wee bit annoyed.

“Sure am,” Chris lied. Kinda. Sorta. “Always did enjoy target practice.”

“Eh, I’m starting to get a little sick of that euphemism…and your bluffery,” Wesker said slamming Chris against the bathtub.

“Arg, if we’re going to do this than I’d rather just get it over with already.”

“Oh, very well…I already called your bluff anyway.” Wesker said starting to unzip his pantaloons.

“Hey, I got a favor to ask, when ya do me…choke me too would ya.”

“I don’t think I have that many hands, dear,” Wesker chuckled.

Chris felt Wesker’s pecker arrive at the small bud of his buttocks. Chris shivered saying, “Ah well, can’t win them all.”

“Heh,” Wesker huffed as he slammed his !penis fiercely into Chris’s hole.

“Ag, fucker didn’t use any lube,” Chris cried to himself, not that he had really expected that kind of gentleness. After the abrupt entry Chris felt Wesker pound into him approximately twice before he heard him orgasm.

Chris was shocked. Three seconds. Three whole seconds? Chris started to turn his head as he began to laugh, “ha ha ha ohh…wow…I-”

“Don’t….don’t you dare….” Wesker said sounding pretty mad.

Chris busted into ecstatic laughter. “HAHAHA oh my god, dude, all of this for THAT! You have got to be kidding me! I guess I should be flattered, huh? ” As Chris continued to laugh his ass off he could practically feel the rage radiating off of Wesker’s body.

“I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Wesker yelled wrapping his hands tightly around Chris’s throat. Chris gagged as he tried to pull Wesker’s hands off of him. He finally gave up the struggle and accepted the fact that this was how he was going to die. It wasn’t all that bad really. To die after experiencing a good laugh like that…and to die with such sweet knowledge was just awesome.

Chris coughed gasping for breath then said, “Oh yeah, just like that baby. Ha ha haha.” If Wesker was going to kill him he might as well try to take away any satisfaction. As he lost air flow to his brain he remembered how incredible it had felt earlier when he was drowning and being fondled.

“Well, ya only die once!” Chris thought as he reached for his now aching member. As Wesker had already explained, he only had two hands, so he might as well take matters into his own hands. The sensations were amazing as he stroked himself and yelled at Wesker to stop being such a pussy faggot and choke him harder! As his man seed spat on the rusty bathtub he passed out into complete blackness.

When Chris woke up, he had never felt more wet. His eyes shot open to see nothing but a blur of yellow light. As his eyes focused more he was able to make out the face of a very un-amused looking Albert Wesker.

“Heeeey, Captain…was it all a dream?” Chris asked groggily. The pain in his ass and neck quickly assured him that it was not.

The thin line of Wesker’s lips eventually moved saying, “Good, you’re not dead.”

Chris was confused, after all that had happened he really should have been dead.

“So…uh thought you were going to kill me?” Chris asked.

Wesker stood up and adjusted his clothes while saying, “Sorry, but you haven’t played out your usefulness to me yet.”

“Oh?” Chris asked sitting up with a grin. “Got more planned?”

“Hmph, you’ll see when this night finally reaches its climax,” Wesker said with a huff.

“Well, I hope this climax lasts longer than the first!”

Wesker frowned then bit his lip. “Uuuuurrrg, hear me Chris, by the end of this night you will be dead.”

“If you say so, Capin,” Chris said, blowing him a kiss.

“Uuuuurrrrrg,” Wesker said in disgust as marched through the door, slamming it as he left. A few moments later Chris heard the slam of the next door down in the adjacent hallway.

Chris sighed as he fumbled for his cigs. “What a night,” he thought digging into his pockets. He was pretty disappointed when he found all of his smokes to be completely soaking wet. He imagined Jill saying like she always did, “you shouldn’t smoke anyway, it’s bad for your health.”

Jill.

Shit.

She was going to be PISSED when she found out Chris didn’t have being dead as an excuse for being late. Chris absent minding looked over to the bathtub, still filled with filthy water. Maybe drowning in there wouldn’t have been that bad…

Green Cousin

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:55:18 GMT

“Ahh, what a truly beautiful day on Earth this is,” Megatron thought to himself as he focused absolutely no attention on his (maybe) Autobot target. “Too bad they can’t all be like this…”

In fact, it was such a lovely day that one could no longer make out the sun as the sky was filled with much smoke and rubble. Buildings were collapsing, people were screaming, all that good stuff.

Well the Earthlings didn’t really see it like that. In fact a group of them had assembled with colorfully painted signs and they were chanting something like, “Quit blowing up our planet” or something equally unimaginative.

“Soundwave!” Megatron yelled over the gunfire to his communications officer.

“YES? MEGATRON” Soundwave replied, his voice somewhat less whimsical than usual.

“I was just thinking about what a lovely day it was. In fact the Earthlings should thank us for turning their little pollen-hole into a real respectable battlefield.

“UH YES, YES THEY SHOULD,” Soundwave said turning his visor up to the sky as he sensed something approaching. He focused all is thoughts at aiming to fire at whatever was coming…he couldn’t afford to look foolish when Megatron was like looking right at him!

*SWAP*

Megatron exploded with laughter.

“Ohhohoho, you can’t hit an autobot to save your life, but you shot that blue jay beautifully.

Calming down from laughing Megs added, “Ah well, it’s not what you get paid to do…unlike some bots around here…” Megatron’s gaze instinctively fell onto Starscream whom had just fired 20 shots at perhaps a barn.

“OOOOOH MAN! BRO! You like just like, ohmygod you just shot a bird man!” said one of the earthlings as he climbed up the pile of rocks to mourn his fallen bird friend.

“Man, bro how could you do this? What did this little guy ever do to you huh!” The man cried cradling the dead bird in his hands.

“You sure have some nerve to talk to us like that Earthling..” Megatron sneered. “We can shot whatever Earth creatures we feel like…just like this! Take me Skywarp! Megatron yelled as he turned himself into a gun…sure it would be overkill to kill that stupid flesh-creature in alt-mode, but it would be funny.

*Clunk, clunk thud* Megatron’s compacted body feel to the dirt, abandoned.

Soundwave stared in complete horror at the thought that someone had completely neglected to “catch” Megatron. It should be an honor!

“YOU NINKUNPOOP! Megatron yelled turning back into robot mode still sitting in the dirt. I distinctly remember telling…uh…one of you to catch me in order to blow that human to oblivion! And now look- well that’s just great! Megatron yelled shacking his fist to the air at whichever autobot had just saved that worthless human and was now flying safely away.

“HEHEHEHEEHE, Lord Megatron needs glasses! Looks like I will have to take over as leader of the Decepticons,” Starscream laughed as he pranced over to the others.

“Wha-what! I don’t need glasses I can see perfectly well, what is the meaning of this Starscream?” Megatron asked making sure to grind his teeth as much as possible.

“Oh? Oh nothing other than the fact that you told Skywarp to catch you, why he’s not even here, that’s Thundercracker you idiot.” Starscream smiled taking in full satisfaction in being able to rightly call Megs an idiot.

“How daaaaare you!” Megatron said as he stood up ready to rip Starcream’s head right off his body.

“HOW DARE I????? WHY YOU!”

“Hmmmm” Soundwave turned off his volume in order to think straight. It was peculiar…Megatron saying he remembers seeing Skywarp…and now it being Thunderscracker…and now…well the bot looked a little, well, green.

“MEGATRON.” Soundwave said trying to get his leaders attention, but it was a little hard because Starscream had changed into jet mode and was attempting to fly away with Megatron wrapped around his body.

“SIGH,” Soundwave exasperated. Seeing as how both his leaders were busy at the moment he decided to take it apon himself to call it a day a round up all the other Decepticon’s and head back to base.

After about 5 Earth-Sun cycles later everyone had about calmed down. So Soundwave thought it would be a good time to bring up the mystery of this “green bot.”

“MEGATRON ABOUT THE OTHER DAY….”

“Ugg, listen, I don’t want to talk about it…now, from now on when I transform how about you just catch me, okay?”

Soundwave’s heart leaped in his chest! The honor of being the only one to catch Lord Megatro-.

“Oh, wait you can’t aim or shoot for shit” Megatron whispered more to himself.

And Soundwave’s heart crashed to the floor. Ah well, one does get used to these types of disappointments being a Decepticon.

“UM RIGHT,” Soundwave said feeling awkward.

“ANYWAY I THINK I FOUND A SOLUTION FOR THE OTHER DAY IF YOU WOULD ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTATE.”

“Hmmm, an explanation very well…proceed,” Megatron said as he quickly took the room’s most comfortable chair.

“CALL IN THE JETS.”

“Ugggg, do we have to…”

“YES MUST PROVE STARSCREAM WRONG”

“Ahaha, well if you put it that way!”

For being jets, it took them nearly 50000000 damn nano clicks to get there. Just as Megs was losing patience Starcream busted the door open proclaiming, “Ah we are finally going to reveal that Mighty Megatron needs glasses are we? Well, I’m ready-hey why do you get that chair!

Megatron stared at the wall biting the metal inside his cheeks as he tried to ignore Starscmream’s babbles.

“ALRIGHT: THUNDERCRACKER SKYWARP: STAND TOGETHER AT THE OTHER END OF THE ROOM.”

“Oh, come one, you woke me up for this?” Skywarp whined as he and Thundercracker walked to the other side of the room.

“ALRIGHT, NOW MEGATRON, STARSCREAM, AND I WILL TURN AROUND…”

“What is this some sort of magic show?!” Starscream whined as well.

“JUST HUMOR ME”

And so Soundwave and the others turned around.

“OKAY NOW TURN BACK AROUND.”

“Ug, I think I could do a much better magic show, don’t you think so Lord Megatron!”

“Shut up you moron don’t you see what’s happened!” Megatron said as he stared at the now very green singular mech at the other side of the room.

“What that? They do that all the time, it will fix itself just don’t think about it.” Starcream said coolly.

“What.” Megatron said sharply. “You mean you knew about this…this “green cousin jet” the other day and you acted like I was oh what did you say, AN IDIOT?!”

“Ha, haha heh, oh come on I just thought you’d look handsome with glasses, yeah that’s it! Starcream stuttered as he raised his hands over his face.

“Wait! What about TC and me…I mean Warp and me. How do we get back to normal???!” The green mech cried rather alarmed.

“DON’T WORRY. EVERYONE TURN AROUND AND DON’T LOOK AT THEM…ERA HIM.”

“Oh good, we’re separate now….only…” Thundercracker said in a voice much more alarmed then it had before.

“Why…TC, Warp I never realized what incredibly handsome mechs you both are!” Starscream said jumping up in his chair.

“No. No this couldn’t be happening,” Megaton thought to himself as he stared at not one, not two, but three Starscreams.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHGGG! Change us back! Change us back!” One of the Starcream’s yelled in terror.

“Hahaha never! I will never tire of looking at your beautiful features!” Said what can only be assumed to be the real Starscream.

“Everone! Look away from them this instant!” Megatron yelled.

“No, they’re better this way.”

“STARSCREAMSsssssssssss!” Megatron yelled as he wrestled one of the Starscream’s to the floor.

“MEGATRON. THAT WAS THE WRONG ONE” Soundwave sighed to himself. It was going to be a long night, and once again he would have to be the one to fix it all.

Dead Internets

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:13:23 GMT

4chan, messenger, AND facebook are all down today. That's crap.

So I've been looking at road bikes online and it looks like the cheapest I can get one for will be about 200$ and thats not counting all the other stuff ill need to buy like gear and repair stuff. Maybe dad would be more willing to give me some money for something like a bike as opposed to a transformin' microscope or something.

DO NOT WANT

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:20:52 GMT

Conehead Sandwich—DO NOT WANT

“Hmm, there appears to be an anomaly-CRASH-at approxiamtly-BANG-sector G-BLONG-32 near the”-KRRRRRRRREEEEERRRK. Dirge took his hand off of the record button and allowed all of his rage to stay internalized as he turned to look at what the racket was all about.

Sensing the red glare fixated on the back of his head Ramjet turned to look at Dirge.

“What’s that creepy look for? I ain’t done nothin’ wrong today.”

“Ramjet…what ARE you doing.”

“Oh, I was trying to hit my head at the exact same spot every time on the wall here. Good practice huh!?”

Seeing as how that was all that needed to be explained, Ramjet returned to focus on ramming his head into the wall.

Dirge wasn’t able to remain calm after that stupid remark so he stood up to bet the shit out of Ramjet, and he would have too if something hadn’t come crashing through the door.

“HEY. GUYS. WHAT’S UP?” Thrust said very loudly as he turned to inspect his handiwork done to the door frame.

“What’s up? What’s up is I’m the one who does all the work around here while you two dink around all day.” Dirge mopped as he gave them both a death glare.

“Phhhffft, you need to lighten up some Dirge,” Ramjet said as he took a wobbly step away from his head-smashing job.

“Yeah you tell him RJ,” Thrust said as he stomped over to sit in one of the control chairs.

Dirge couldn’t take listening to these buffoons any longer. “Urrrg, you two can do whatever you like, but I’m leaving to get some real work done.” Suddenly, as he walked towards the crumbling door he was knocked completely of his feet!

“HAHAHA, your not going anywhere sweet-cheeks,” Thrust laughed.

“Arharhar, yeah we’re gunna teach you how to have some fun,” Ramjet said as he regained his composure after having head-butted Dirge to the ground.

“Urrrg, what the hell do you two think your doing. I-I’m gunna rip you both to scrap.”

“Haha, whatever Dirge,” Ramjet said as he pinned him to the ground.
“Hey, Thrust! What should I do to ‘em first?” Ramjet asked as he struggled to hold Dirge still.

“Lick his head,” Thrust replied.

“Ah, of course!” Ramjet said as he began plunging his glossa onto Dirge’s sweet cone-like head.

“What the hell are you….arg…doing…uhhh,” Dirge managed to say as he continued to try to free himself from Ramjet’s mighty grasp.

“Ah, like that do ya Dirge?” Thrust smirked still watching intensely from his seat. “Of course you do…we all have em’ those sensitive cone-heads. Haha, those other three don’t know what they’re missing.”

Ramjet continued his expert glossa tracing on Dirge’s head. Dirge squirmed under him lost between allowing himself to enjoy all the attention or to continue to try to fling Ramjet off. “Ohhh, ahhhh,” Dirge moaned as Ramjet began to dig his glossa into the small space between the two black and blue colored plats on Dirge’s head.

“Hur..dur…” Ramjet huffed as he pulled back to a sitting position on top of Dirge. “Oh, man, Thrust…I can’t…I can’t hold back anymore…I need to…I need to ram!

“Hu-huh” Thrust managed to say as he had begun to furiously rub his own head. “I’m not really…the one you should be asking, heh, am I RJ?”

“Oh yeah, hey Dirge, I really need some release so I’m gunna-”

“Wha-what! You will do no such thing to me you filthy scrap of a bot” Dirge said in a panic.

“Hmm, I bet by the end you’ll be begging for it! Ramjet smirked. With that said, he leaned back in to gently flick the tip of Dirge’s cone with his glossa.

“Oh if only I had a bigger mouth I would stick your whole head in it,” Ramjet giggled.

“Oh, I bet you would you filthy whore.” Thrust said still franticly rubbing his hand deeply into the top of his head.

As Ramjet began to suck on his head like a lollipop Dirge began to stop fighting. It just felt too damn good.

“Urg, Ramjet, just…just do it already!” Dirge squacked.

“Do what honeybunny?”

“Ra---ram me! Ram me hard!”

Ramjet didn’t need to be told twice! He stood up and slammed Dirge’s body into the wall then began to forcefully ram his head right into Dirge’s chest platting.

“OH OH OH RAMJET! DON”T STOP” Dirge yelped.

“Ohoho, don’t worry there’s no stopping him once he starts that up.” Thrust yelled over Ramjet and Dirge’s shenanigans.

As Ramjet continued his collision course, many of Dirge’s bolts began to come undone around his chest. A few more jabs and his chest plate fell to the floor with a heavy clang. With his most sensitive circuitry now exposed it only took a few more thrusts of Ramjet’s head to bring him to a fabulous overload.

KABLAMO

Ramjet’s overload was long and rocked him to the center of his head. All the banging had mad him rather dizzy and he fell to the ground.

“Heh…heh not too bad huh Dirge?” Ramjet asked as he stared up at the ceiling from his spot on the ground.

“Dirge?”

Ramjet forced himself up to see Dirge’s very exploded body slumped against the wall.

“Shit!” Ramjet cursed as he franticly stood up and ran over to Thrust whom was still offline due to his own self induced overload.

“THRUST! Wake up! I think I killed him! Oh crap oh crap oh crap!

“Hmmm…whaaaa?” Thrust asked groggily. He completely awoke when he spotted Dirge’s beaten body against the wall.”

“Oh RJ….what did you do pal!?”

“I—I don’t know! I guess I was too rough or something!”

“WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO THRUST! If Megatron finds out what we did--”

“Wait, hahaha, what WE did? I didn’t do anything RJ! I’m getting out of here.”

“You…you traitor!” Ramjet yelled as he began to chock Thrust around the neck. “You’ll stay here if I have to kill you, you son of a bitch.”

Just then the door slid open. Ramjet and Thrust froze.

“IS OPERATION: SURVEILLANCE DUTY COMPLETE YET, CONEHE….” Soundwave’s beautiful voice drifted to a stop as his visor rested on Dirge’s completely battered corpse. He turned his head to Thrust and Ramjet whom were still completely frozen with each others hands around the other’s neck.

“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH,” Soundwave emitted a noise that could only be interpreted as a sigh.

“GET DIRGE TO THE MEDICAL BAY YOU DOLTS.”

“Uh-uh, yes sir!” Thrust said enthusiastically as he and Ramjet picked up Dirge and began to finagle him though the door.

As the door slid to a close to a close, Soundwave began preparing “Operation: gossip.”

The Gentle Sounds of Robot Love-Making

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:38:06 GMT

Rumble goes on quite the adventure!
The Robo-Birds and Bees

“Maaaan, why do I always have to be the one with all the busy work? I wanna bust up some Autobots!” Rumble said to himself as he walked down the long metal corridor.

Soundwave had asked him cycles ago to go into the basement and retrieve some old data from storage, but for some reason Rumble kept getting distracted. The first delay had occurred when Frenzy wagered him he couldn’t fit 100 earth hotdogs in his mouth, well turns out he can’t.

Then Ravage wanted out! She was scratching and scratching at the ship’s door. No one ever wanted to take her out as it involved flying her to the nearest patch of land to chase rabbits or whatever. Rumble wished she would just get a jetpack already.

When Rumble finally got back he had forgotten what it was he was suppose to do again so he asked Thundercracker and Thundercracker told him that he was suppose to fill Starscream’s room completely full of water, which Rumble found like a kinda strange order for Soundwave to give, but he didn’t bother questioning it. Just after dragging out all the hoses and stuff, Sky Warp came by and told Rumble that it was a lie cus he was really suppose to fill up Thundercracker’s room full of water! In his annoyance, Rumble just decided to slam his head repeatedly against the wall, when suddenly he remembered what he was really suppose to be doing!

“Oh man, oh man! This is taking forever!” Rumble thought as he broke out into a run down the maze of metal hallways. Rumble didn’t really care at all what people thought about him, but something about disappointing Soundwave made him feel…. Well, it was a foreign feeling to all Decepticons, but the fleshlings would call it “guilt.”

“Whhhhoooaaa, I just had a great idea!” Rumble stopped to say to no one in particular.

“I’ll just bust down all these walls and get to data storage in no time!”

He stopped to think, only for a nanoclick, if Megatron would really want him to bust a bunch of holes in the basement walls. Rumble decided it must not really matter, cus the Autobots were always blowing holes in the base and they magically got repaired. So no worries right?

“READY FOR A TUMBLE HERE COMES RUMB----”

*KLANG KLANG KLANG*

“Whoa what was that!?” Rumble asked as he spun around in circles trying to detect the noise again.

*KLANG KLANG KLANK*

“AAAAAAauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggg.”

There it was again! Rumble made his way down the hallway until he arrived at the door it appeared to be coming from.

It looked to be like any other door aboard the ship except it had a crudely written sign, reading, “Enportant—billding--- oparashiiiion---STAY OUT.” Or something like that, Rumble was never very good at reading.

*KLANG KLANG KLANG*

“YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SCRAP I SAID DO IT HARDER-----AUUUGGgggg.”

“Ye---yes. I’ll try!”

“Oh boy! Someone must be having a fight in there,” Rumble said to himself, being one to never miss a fight.

“I’ll just open the door and have a look.” Rumble chose to open the door slowly so he could surprise who ever was in there fighting. Maybe he could even get in on the fight and kick both their butts! Yeah, that would be fun hahaha….haha..ha…..huh?

Rumble’s face contorted into severe confusion at the sight he beheld.

“OH MIXMASTER!”

“SHUT YOUR TRAP SCAVENGER, I ALLOW YOU TO DO THIS ON THE CONDITION THAT YOU DO NOT TALK.”

“I’m so sorry Mixmaster, don’t hate me please!”

Rumble wasn’t really too sure what he was witnessing, but it was horrifying.

Rumble watched in dread and confusion as Scavenger kneeled on the ground digging his fingers into Mixmaster’s circuitry. A flow of oil was leaking down Mixmaster leg colleting into a small pool on the floor. Even someone as careless as Rumble knew this was a safety hazard!

“I should tell Soundwave!” Rumble thought. But tell Soundwave what? What exactly was this anyway?

“AHA AHAH AHAHHA AAAAAUUUG. Harder you loser!” Mixmaster wailed as he gripped Scavenger’s head in his hand and began beating him against the wall.

“Owwwww, owww, stoooop it!” Scavenger cried.

They toppled over on each other and fell to the floor; where scavenger continued to pound into Mixmaster’s body.

“Use your shovel you dolt!” Mixmaster commanded.

“O-okay, sure thing!” Scavenger said as began to slam his left arm shovel attachment right into Mixmaster’s circuitry.

“Listen Mixmaster…if you kill me after this…I just want you to know how much I love you.”

“Urrrrrrgg…uuuuuuuuhhhgggg….I….I hate you so much. I hate you I hate you I hate you!” Mixmaster continued to declare his undying hate as he slammed a large block of metal into Scavenger’s already dented head.

“OH PRIMUS…MI..MI… MI…. MIX MEEEEEE!” Mixmaster screamed.

There was a large explosion from within the room as cement flew flying every which direction from Mixmaster’s mixers.

All the flying cement startled Rumble and he fell back into the corridor. He scrambled to pull himself back up then took off running before Scavenger of Mixmaster noticed he was there.

“Gotta, gotta talk to Soundwave! Soundwave knows everything! Yeah! He’ll help!” Rumble reassuringly told himself in his head. He ran all the way up to the security office without stopping.

“SOUNDWAVE YA GOTTA HELP I SAW SOMETHING CREEPY!” AHHH!”

“Do you HAVE to scream like that? It’s giving me a headache!”

Rumble was disappointed to only find Starscream, whom looked to be rather bored as he spun himself around in one of the control chairs.

“Oh, uh, heya Star-cream! Where’s Soundwave? I really gotta talk to him.”

“Oh…I dunno, probably off kissing Megatron’s ass somewh-”

“NOOOO! Soundwave wouldn’t do that! He’s a good mech!” Rumble wailed almost with tears in this eyes.

Starscream’s smirk faded slightly into puzzlement

“Yeesh, it was just a joke, calm down kid. What’s got all your buns in the oven?” Starscream asked using the fleshling term rather incorrectly.

“Uh…I saw something…really weird.” Rumble lowered his eyes to the ground. “And I uh, uh didn’t really get it.”

“WHAT! How dare you go into my room! That is PRIVATE and what I choose to do with my own-”

“Hey, hey cool it! I didn’t go into your stinky old room! I era, saw Mixmaster and Scavenger in one of the basement closets and they were like, fighting but not really. I mean like it felt like I shouldn’t be watching but at the same time I couldn’t look away,” a faint blush appearing on Rumble’s metallic cheeks as he splurted out his words.

“Hehehe, oh, OH!” Starscream smiled and leapt out of his chair like it was Cybatronian Christmas morning.

Running up to Rumble Starscream squealed “I knew it! Those pervert constructicons are always up to no good.

Straitening himself up, Starscream added, “Soooo, you’re interested in THAT kinda stuff, huh? Weeell then, how about I just show you!” Starscream started to reach his hand out to Rumble’s face, only to have to smacked away by a very un-amused looking Soundwave.

“Starscream: Childmalestor.”

“Ohohohoho, Soundwave! I didn’t see you come in. Lol, what’s up?”

“Starscream: Megatron requests attendance. Operation: u gunna get raeped.

“Hmmmph! As if! Why, he’s already had his fill of you, you nasty whore,” Starscream wailed scrunching his metal eyebrows and nose.

Soundwave laughed in his beautiful melodic voice, “WA WA WA WA WAAAAAA.”

Seeing no end in sight to Soundwave’s mockery of him; Starscream huffed and puffed his way out of the room.

Rumble felt a little lost as he scratched his head. “HEY Soundwave! I saw something really gross!

Soundwave’s amusement disappeared as he turned to Rumble and prepared for a very serious talk with the young mech.

“Rumble. The act of robot lovemaking is not: “gross.”

Rumble scrunched his face. “Whaaaaaaa?”

“You see: When two mechs love each other very much they sometimes like to-”

“Wait a minute big blue! Love? I really don’t think that’s what I saw!”

“Oh….”

“Mix Master was beating Scavenger’s head into a wall yelling “I hate you I hate you” over and over while Scavenger whacked him with his shovel.”

Soundwave continued to stare with a blank look on his face.

Finally coming up with something to say Soundwave continued, “Rumble. Prolonged war sometimes has strange affects on mechs. Everyone must deal with it in different ways. Some more peculiar than others.

“Oh so like, are Megs and Starcream is love? Or just peculiar?” Rumble asked.

“WA WA WA” Soundwave chuckled. Their relationship: Extremely peculiar.”

“Oh,” Rumble thought to himself some more on this interesting discussion.

“So like what if me and Frenzy, like wanted to-”

“Rumble. That is disgusting. He is your brother. You’re not revolting Autobot Lamborghinis.

“What about Ravage?”

“Rumble. She is a panther.”

“What! Then who could I do it with!” Rumble frowned.

“Rumble. Someday: You will understand. For now: don’t worry.”

“Hmm, okay Soundwave...”

“Hey, hey Soundwave!”

“Yes Rumble?”

“How many hot dogs do you think I can fit in my mouth!?”

“...”

I wrote this because Wesker and Chris are so OTP

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:46:37 GMT

Chris Want Baby

“I don’t think I can do this anymore…” Chris said almost in a whisper as he readjusted the various belts and zippers of his almost decade old S.T.A.R.S uniform.

Wesker wasn’t really listening to him, but then again he never did. He was much too busy thinking about how INCREDIBLY AWESOME he was. That’s right! He had just got done fucking Chris Redfield in the third basement level of a sewage processing plant. To top it off, a sewage processing plant that had for nearly six months been the lovely abode to hundreds of zombies. The smell was, to say the least, god-awful.

He wasn’t sure what shit-hole of a country allowed this horrible of an outbreak to occur; nor did he really care. After all, this wasn’t his job. He only bothered coming after he had gone through Chris’s e-mail and learned that Chris was suppose to come to this dump and get info for whatever stupid organization he was working for these days.

Sure it was a little obsessive…reading Chris’s e-mail twenty times a day, putting surveillance equipment in his apartment, employing two full time spies to watch him anytime he left his house…but he just HAD to know what Chris was doing at all times of the day because, well he wasn’t really sure-

“Wesker, are you even listening to me? Ya know I think I’ll just add this to the list of reasons why I never want to see you again!” Chris yelled with a large about of annoyance in his voice.

“Here we go…”, Wesker thought to himself. “Oh, dearheart, you always like to say stuff like that, but I didn’t hear any complaining five minutes ago…Wesker trailed off as he kneeled down to play with Chris’s very stupid hair. I mean seriously, it was all pointy and held together with what HAD to be cheap drug store gel. Jesus, the LEAST he could do was go to Sephora every once and a while and buy a decent- Wesker’s thoughts were cut off as Chris slapped his hand away, stood up and said:

“No! I’m like, totally serious this time! You’ve got problems! You’re mean to me, and you or one of your lackeys are always sneakin’ around outside of my apartment. Ya, know, it really scares Claire and I don’t think I can do that to her anymore”, Chris said as he turned to face the door.

Hmph, well this was news to Wesker! “YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?...but this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had,” Wesker said in all honesty.

Chris turned back around with a confused look on his face. He wanted to say something, but really didn’t know were to begin as what he had just heard had to rank as some of the weirdest things he had ever heard.

“Am I breaking up with you? Uhh…to “break-up” I think you have to have been in a real relationship in the first place. I really don’t think sex in a sewer makes much of a relationship, let alone a “healthy” one,” Chris said with all of the sincerity he could muster, given the situation.

“Hmph, I think I’ll need a better reason than THAT, Redfield,” Wesker said with a smirk.

“…Wat…I mean, WHAT other reason could you possible need?” Chris stopped talking in order to think. Fine…if he wants to play at this game…

“Family. I want a family. Can you give that to me Wesker?” Chris smiled knowing he had finally got him.

The grin on Wesker’s face slowly faded. “Wha-what do you mean by that? That’s just stupid Chris,” Wesker said, putting his hands on his hips.

“No. Chris took his time to say his next words slowly, looking Wesker straight in the eyes…well where he thought his eyes could be under those stupid sunglasses. “I’m not getting any younger, and I want a baby.”

>I WANT A BABY

>I WANT BABY

>WANT BABY

>BABY

The words hit Wesker like a ton of bricks. Words that he had though died in a puddle of flesh, gore, and fire along with the remains of the once love of his life, Will. M. Bark, era “William Birkin.”

And Wesker was no longer an all powerful vampire-tyrant, but back to being just a stupid kid standing in one of Umbrella’s old labs.

Wesker and Birkin had just gotten done having some big gay ~~lawyer~~ scientist sex in one of Marcus’s labs. In the beginning they had worried about Marcus walking right in during their “research time” but at this point they figured Marcus was too out of it or too senile to even notice.

Birkin was already back to attentively studying his precious test tubes as Wesker messed with fixing his hair in the reflection of a very shiny filing cabnet.

Now, Wesker wasn’t much for romance, but even he remembered that it was nearly five years ago this month that they had met, at the tender ages of 15 and 17, to begin their careers as Umbrella scientists.

“Birkin, we should have dinner Saturday to commemorate our anniversary,” Wesker smiled after he said it, waiting for Birkin to slowly raise his head and ask, “what anniversary?” Birkin was the only person less likely then him to forget such things.

But Birkin never asked anything, he didn’t even look up from his microscope as he said, “Can’t, getting married.”

Wesker let slip a “heh,” at his boyfriend’s awful joke before he realized that Birkin absolutely hated jokes, and would never make one himself. In fact Birkin rarely smiled except for those, oh so intimate times when Wesker had half his arm up Birkin’s ass, or those times they found a stray hiker out in the woods and were free to kill it in whatever way Birkin wanted, and then use the body as a test subject.

“Don’t worry Albie, this won’t change anything between us, not if you don’t want it to”…Birkin said still looking at that damn microscope. Sensing he was going to have to add more Birkin continued, “You know Annette, from sector 7-6? Yeah, we’re gunna get married…”

Birkin was busy looking at the various cell materials when the microscope went flying out from under him, slamming into the wall, shattering with it his precious, precious work.

“YOU BITCH! I’ve been working on that for days!” Birkin screeched.

Wesker couldn’t believe this. Annette, he fucking HATED that bitch. The way she walked around always asking people about their passwords…it was just god-damn weird. And she was ugly. And she was a bitch. With bad hair. And, damn he just flat out hated her.

“Wh-why are you doing this? What on earth for?” Wesker managed to stutter out.

“Oh, come now. You know it will look better to Umbrella, not to mention I want a baby for…well…I can’t tell you but it is very important for my research,” Birkin said looking shyly to his left.

Wesker wasn’t listing to any of his half-baked reasoning’s for wanting this, all he knew was he slapped Birkin as hard as he possibly could and was fleeing for the door before anyone would have time to see him crying.

Only, it wasn’t Birkin he has slapped, it was Chris. And he hadn’t slapped him, he had sent a full-forced falcon punch that had most likely broken Chris’s jaw. Chris’s body flew full force into the wall and fell into a pile of gore.

“Hmp, softer then the floor I suppose,” Wesker chuckled.

Still feeling pretty pissed, Wesker decided to go look for some zombie heads to bust open. It didn’t take too much searching to find a nice bunch of undead to wrangle. As the rotting flesh sprayed on his face and clothes he suddenly remembered he hadn’t picked up any ostriches for his hunters! It didn’t necessarily need to be ostrich; they also enjoyed emus and the like. It was strangely cute to watch them chase around their dinner, it also made them a lot happier to be able to get all that exercise.

Still staring at the zombie bits littering the floor and walls, he thought to himself, “Oh my hunters…you’re the only babies I’ll ever need. At that moment Wesker was struck with a delightful idea!

“Oh Chris darling, if it is a baby you want then a baby you shall have!”

Man! This was defiantly the kinkiest sex Chris had ever had! All the pokin’ and prodin’ and stomach openin’….wait a minute.

“Oh my, he seems to be waking up.”

“Well…knock him out or something, I’m not finished yet!”

The voices continued to squabble over what sounded like medical jargon. Chris wasn’t really sure, all he knew was he was really, really, really sleepy…and a little hungry now that he thought about it. “Man, I could really go for some green herbs right about- what am I thinking! Now is no time for herbs!”

Chris concentrated on the sound of the voices but they were pretty bizarre. They both kinda sounded like men…well a gay British man and maybe a drag-queen.

“Uuuuuug, what the hell is that! Eeeewww, hey Wesker, you said this was going to be hilaaaaarious…all I see is…ick.”

Of course Wesker was behind this! Chris really should have known better by now.

“Patience, my dear. Now, be a good girl and hand me that saw.”

“Ohoho, wait! I forgot to give him more drugs.”

“Hmmm, you’re not very good at this, are you son?”

“What?”

“Noth-ing.”

And then Chris was the sleep.

“Oh man, what a horrible dream” Chris thought as he slowly regained consciousness. He had dreamt that Wesker had been sawing open his stomach and doing all sorts of weird, sick stuff. “Oh well, back to bed,” Chris thought as he rolled over to sleep on his stomach.

Only he couldn’t really do it, there was something in the way. Chris tried to move the object that he was apparently lying on top of…only it wouldn’t budge…at all.

Finally given up on sleep, Chris sat up in bed to examine where he was. Looked like a hospital, only not as nice. In fact, it kinda looked like one of those creepy Umbrella labs he had been though so many times. Oh shit. And at this particular moment he happened to look at his stomach, double shit, as it came to his attention that he was preganent!

Chris didn’t really have time to react because he felt damn sick. Well, not really sick per say, it was more of a horrible shooting pain through his gut. He instinctively wanted to run to a bathroom, but he was only able to wobble a few steps before falling to the ground.

Welp, it didn’t matter if Chris was ready for motherhood or not cus this baby was a-comin! He could barely concentrate through the pain, but weren’t you supposed to control your breathing or something? Oh well, the last thing he saw before he passed out were five little claws breaking through his stomach in a shower of blood.

“Tisk, tisk, I really wish they could have waited for me to set up the video camera. Something like this really ought to be recorded.”

“I know. You’ve already complained enough. Besides, I was theeeeeeeeir.”

From his bed, Chris could see Wesker fiddling with a computer while talking to a woman who was standing in the door way. The woman appeared to be holding onto a fairly large buddle between her arms. The look on her face was strange, almost like she didn’t know if she should be smiling or be disgusted with the thing she held in her arms.

“Ah, it seems the new mother is finally awake…I’ll leave you all alone” she said as she handed the bundle to Wesker.

As she neared the door she turned her head ever so slightly and said, “oh, congratulations…I mean it.” She smiled a wide grin as she left the room.

“Oh goodie! You’re finally awake. Would you like to see “our bundle of joy?” Wesker said as he smiled at the thing in his arms.

Chris really wasn’t feeling too amused, but he had to admit that his curiosity had gotten the better of him.

“Yeah, I guess I’m gunna need to see this thing.”

“Very well, but I want you to know that I worked really hard to do this for you, so you better appreciate it.” As Wesker handed Chris the bundle he continued saying, “here is our baby, dearheart.”

Chris didn’t really need to look at it to know it was going to be a god-damn hunter. Yup, there it was. Green lizard skin, small beady eyes, ten sharp nails. He had given birth to a fucking hunter.

“You impregnated me with a fucking hunter?” Chris asked with a very un-amused expression on his face.

“Yes, but isn’t that what you wanted?”

“…”

“Oh, come now Chris. It’s our baby, yours and mine! I won’t go into the specifics of the biology, but simply put, I took our DNA and mixed it with a hunter. There, now you have your baby. Oh, and well, inserted it into your body, since I thought you would appreciate the act of birth giving.”

“Jesus Christ” Chris whispered as he stared at the abomination he was holding in his arms. He didn’t want to admit it, but the thing was kinda cute, in an ugly old dog kind of way. Then the thing started cooing! Oh my god it was hideous, but he loved his baby!

As Chris looked up at Wesker he realized that he had never seen him look so genuinely happy. Sure Chris would trade it all for a normal wife and kids, but meh, close enough.

“So, what should we name it?” Wesker asked.

Chris only had to think for a few seconds before answering “Claire Jr.”

I wrote this big gay lawyer fluff because I always wanted to write Big Gay Lawyer fluff.

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:26:23 GMT

A cute story about Phoenix and Edgeworth cus their romance is the greatest love story ever told.

TEA PARTY

Miles Edgeworth had fallen completely head-over-heels in love….with a woman! Yes! And no one had been more surprised than he, but it had been love at first site.

Edgeworth had been in Germany for the past six months, doing what else, but “studying foreign law” of course! He had taken a day off from work to visit some of the town’s shops. Sure, he wasn’t exactly making any money to spend, but he just couldn’t resist going shopping! Not to mention he should probably stop bye and say hi to that guy that makes gigantic stuffed bears...

His annoying boyfriend, Phoenix Wright, had also been hinting that he expected a gift when Edgeworth returned from Europe.

“Hmmm, what to get Wright…,” Edgeworth mussed as he walked down the street. “Well, for starters, I could buy him a new suit that isn’t so ugly.” He grinned to himself. But thought maybe that would be taken as a little too snarky, he didn’t really enjoy making Wright cry EVERY day. He also didn’t think Wright would really appreciate a 10-foot teddy bear. There was just no pleasing some people.

And then he saw her. Behind the glass shop window was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes upon.

She had stunning blonde shinny hair that hung down nearly her entire body length. Her skin was perfect porcelain, the face housing a set of enormous sky-blue eyes and a sweet melancholy smile. The baby blue dress she was wearing appeared to be made from the finest of silks.

The second Edgeworth saw her; he knew he had to have her, no matter what the cost.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Phoenix Wright sat at his desk anxiously eyeing his cell phone for what had seemed like hours. “How could this have happened Barry! I mean Maya!” Phoenix whined with a pleading look to his assistance.

He shifted his weight and slumped his upper body onto the desk saying, “I mean, seriously, Edgeworth’s been back for nearly a day and he has completely blown me off…heh…and not in the good way.”

Maya’s facial expression morphed drastically into one of mixed horror and surprise. “NICK, PLEASE! Ur gunna make me throw-up all my burgars! Speaking of burgars lets go get sum moar!”

“God-dammit Maya, I already bought you burgars once today…and you haven’t even filed any of that crap I asked you to…what DO I pay you to do all day?” Phoenix asked still sagging on his desk.

Maya smiled as she stood up from the computer and began to stretch her arms rather dramatically, saying, “lol, Nick you don’t pay me! And as far as what I do all day…” she blushed slightly bringing her hands to her face, “I read Steel Samurai slash of course! I mean like the Evil Magistrate only hated the Steel Samurai so much because he like totally had the hots for him! They’re perfect for each other…just like you and Mr. Edgeworth!”

Phoenix laughed. “Yeah, but Edgeworth never tried to kill me…at least not that I know of.” Phoenix sighed. Thinking of Edgeworth made him want to cry. He had missed him so much these past months and now that he was back Edgeworth was acting like he didn’t even want to see him.

“Maya…what is Edgeworth doesn’t like me anymore? I mean…we both decided it was best for him to go back to Europe and decide what he wanted to do as far as work…but what if he decided he can do better than me…or found someone else?” Phoenix felt the tears coming but tried to hold them back, atleast for Maya’s sake.

“Oh…oh Nick, I don’t believe that for even a second.” Maya smiled sympathetically then smiled and tried to cheer him up by saying, “Ya know, I’m sure he’s just tired…I mean, a flight from Germany to Japan has got to be…I dunno…a hundred hours. He’s only been back for like a day, he’s probably been sleeping! Why don’t you go talk to him!”

Well that was a pretty good idea, especially coming from Maya.

“You’re right Maya, I should just go talk to him.”

“Yer-up, I’m pretty smart” I guess since your going to do that I might as we go home then…” she said as she began to get her coat.

“Maya, its not even noon yet!”

“Oh!” she said looking at the clock surprised. “Guess I’ll get back to work then!”

“Yeah….work,” Phoenix said rolling his eyes as he stepped out the door.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Hmm, maybe I should have called first….oh well, not like he’s been answering his phone today anyway,” Phoenix thought as he climbed the stairs to Edgeworth’s apartment.

Phoenix began to think that he was being just plain silly. To think that Edgeworth had been avoiding him was a pretty paranoid thing to think. As he neared the door he felt relieved that he could finally stop worrying. All those thoughts were pushed aside when he heard Edgeworth’s muffled voice from behind the door.

“Hmm, maybe he’s just talking to Pess,” Phoenix though, as Miles was known to talk to that dog as if it was a damn person…but he was asking whoever if they wanted more tea. Edgeworth was pretty weird about his dog, but not so far as to give her tea.

“Oh noes,” Phoenix though. “He did find someone else, and they even like tea! What am I gunna do?” The answer was to knock the door down course!

Well, after a few more seconds of reasoning he decided to first knock.

Hm. No answer.

He knocked again this time saying, “Miles, I know your in there I can hear you talking to someone!”

“Damnit Wright, you should have called first! Now go away!”

“WHAT, no way, let me in!”

“No…you…you wouldn’t understand. So please just go away.”

“Miles Edgeworth you will open this door or I will knock it down!”

“Auuuuuaack, OKAY okay, but you….urg…promise not to laugh?”

Edgeworth sheepishly opened the door part way allowing Phoenix to push it open more. Phoenix was ready to fight whomever he found in Edgeworth’s apartment…but he didn’t really see anyone…wait there was a really pretty little girl….wait, it was a god-damn doll.

She was so cute! Phoenix didn’t really know much about dolls but he knew if he was a little girl he would have just died looking at her. She had pretty long blonde hair and was wearing a gorgeous baby blue dress. She was sitting with little Pess, whom was also wearing a cute outfit…though THAT was nothing new…Edgeworth was always dressing the poor thing up in silly little clothes. They appeared to be in the middle of what looked like afternoon tea …

Phoenix started laughing. Edgeworth looked mad and started to blush.

“Hey…hey, I told you not to laugh!” Edgeworth said looking angrily at the carpet.

“Oh man…Miles I wish you would have invited me to your tea party…and here I thought…well, never mind what I though,” Phoenix said as he rushed over to hug his boyfriend.

Edgeworth was still kinda baawing and pushed him away. “I’m not going to hug you after you laughed at me like that!”

Oh come on, stop acting so embarrassed…why are you so upset that I know you have a doll?

“Urg…this is why I wanted to hide it before you came over…I’ve been trying to find a place, but you’re so god-damn nosey!”

“Wait, why would you try to hide it from me” Phoenix asked.

“Well, if you MUST know it’s because…I’m kind of embarrassed, I mean…a grown man with a doll, not to mention the price…”Edgeworth trailed off feeling a little sick to his stomach.

“JESUS, how much was it?” Phoenix asked as one always so “careful” with his money.

“She is not an “it,” Phoenix Wright. Her name is “Engelsmädchen and she is a Machlichsteinshauser original! Ahh, Franziska was sooo jealous,” Edgeworth smiled looking slyly to his right.

“Um, alright…I take it your not going to tell me the price then?” Phoenix asked.

“Hehe, not on your life.”

Phoenix turned to go sit with Angelmaxchan, or whatever her name was. “Ya know, I still don’t understand why I wasn’t invited to the tea party?”

“Ahh, well you see my tea parties have very strict dress codes. I couldn’t have any blue suites with pink ties mucking it up could I?” Edgeworth said fairly playfully.

“Ouch.” Phoenix wanted to say more in protest but Edgeworth had already slinked over to the couch to begin kissing him on the lips. Phoenix sighed as he moved his lips to trail down Edeworth’s neck…when out of the corner of his eyes he caught the cold glare of that damned doll.

“All right, now THAT is just creepy.”

Shiiiiit

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:39:05 GMT

What is all this shit?